Daddy Love

Tonight I was triggered in a way that surprised me. A man that I admire spontaneously expressed an endearment to me as he was helping me with a task. We have been sparring for the entire semester, picking on each other in playful antagonism. This relationship has been pleasurable, in that I have been enjoying a growing friendship, and respect for this person. He is my teacher and my colleague. I needed help and he came over and said, "What do you need, Sweetie?" I was shocked and immediately felt fear at his spontaneous endearment. I have enjoyed a playful banter with this man that has been up to now, and I believe still is, innocent. I believe he meant nothing sexual, and was just expressing his affection for me--the kind of shepherd's love that all those gifted to teach feel toward their students who care about the work-but it touched a place deep inside me that triggered grief. I was shocked at my reaction. Outwardly I played it off, teasing him about "trying to make up after he'd been harassing me all through class." The child inside me has been starved for fatherly love for most of my life, and I believe that a good portion of the roots of my obesity are found in this deficit. As I drove home from class I wept and cried out praying to God, asking him to fill that void. I need so much to know a father's love. I need to be able to crawl up in the Father's lap and feel safe and cherished. I am asking that God give me a clear sense of his presence and affection. I need him to be playful and show me his sense of humor. Because I have been starved for this kind of love, I have closed myself off from the chance and possibility of having that from God himself, to avoid disappointment. I have blocked that kind of intimacy from God, because I'm afraid he'll let me down or punish me in some way. I believe the excess weight in part, has been a way of insulating myself from continued disappointments--and consequently, there have been so many. I am grateful that I haven't been able to succeed in killing that part of myself after all--that needy child. Tonight I discovered that she's still alive in there, and she has a voice. I am grateful that God is giving me the presence of mind to target and channel those feelings of need toward him so that I can continue to be present in my horizontal relationships in healthy ways. I believe that only while I am being filled with the Lord's love in the areas where I'm wounded and bankrupt, will I be able to give of myself freely to those who love me, without shame, fear, or jaded disappointment. Thank you Lord, for using my teacher to uncover my pain and need so you can heal me.