Like a Drop of Oil in Living Water

I have been experiencing that folks are drawn to me more now, and I am convinced that it is because they sense Jesus, even if they don't know what it is. And I give him as much glory as I can for all that is happening to me too. It is very cool to be an extension of his glory. My friend and I talked about this very thing tonight and then I read the day's devotion in God Calling and that was exactly what it was about. It is so bizarre and wonderful. I am becoming more of who I am created to be: "a display of his splendor" inside and out. I say all this in utter amazement, because it is constantly taking me by surprise. I see God blessing people through the everydayness of my life: humor, helpfulness, encouragement--a willingness to put feelings of self-pity aside and just serve--it is so much easier to be real than it used to be--when I thought I was responsible for my own healing--and everyone else's for that matter (gross). More than anything else, I can see God moving and am blown away by the way life with him unfolds. I keep telling people, "it's not me, it's God." I think some of them think I'm nuts, but I don't care because I can see it happening right before my very eyes--and I KNOW me. I can't take the credit. I have never been an over-achiever who had positive flesh and could make legalism work for me and get "positive" results so I looked good to the world. "Look at that fat cow, she should have more control over herself." I was the one getting beaten up by it but no one wielded the flogging whip more than myself. It was bad enough seeing it in the eyes of others, but doubly bad being in agreement with them. I was judge, jury, and executioner, all in the same huge package. I think the reason the magnitude of his ability to orchestrate is surprising, is because he's tearing away more of the vestiges of my ideology that I have to perform for him to be acceptable. That ill-advised state of mind is a constant battle. The more he makes me aware of my complete powerlessness in being/doing anything that he has in store, the more awestruck I am by what he does. I mean, it's downright bewildering sometimes--his complete perfectness in his unflinching and infinite ability to maintain his sovereignty. His timing, though sometimes frustrating, is impeccable. Lord, give me faith and fortitude to wait on you without jumping the gun and going off half-cocked on my own agenda. My friend calls it suspension. Suspension of the desire to try to grab control which is a ludicrous notion if you think about it for more than a second--as if. I believe this is what's meant by taking thoughts captive. Sometimes I don't suspend very well, but it's better than it ever was before. Thank you Lord--you are good, and I ask for abundant grace and favor to remain suspended within your love, mercy, and wisdom.