Blinders Coming Off

There has been some profound revelation and discovery as a result of all the turmoil inside me lately. I can see that the real work around my weight loss is just beginning. Those who have gone before me in this process can probably identify with what I'm about to say: I'm realizing with clarity--maybe realistically for the first time in my life--that I'm not as stable as I want to believe I am. Now, most who know me well might read that statement and say, "Well, duh!" and I say that too (I mean, how stable can someone who weighed 300+ pounds really be?)...however, to intellectually be aware that I still have work to do, and to emotionally embrace the ramifications of that are two very different and separate dynamics. I am beginning to realize how sabotaging I can be in my relationships, how much grief I have inside that has been dormant for decades, and how much work is yet to be done. I have decided to pursue counseling. I am coming to grips with how obsessive I can be (which is scary) and I want to heal. I don't know if it's "only child syndrome" or if it's something more profound in my family of origin issues, or something else altogether--but it is being revealed to me how unrealistic my expectations can be when I become attached to anyone. I get so demanding and try to suck the life out of any new relationship that means anything to me. I am grieving because I have sabotaged a new friendship that was a joy and benefit to have, and it's all because I don't know when to quit demanding of others. This loss is painful enough in itself, but has proven the catalyst for exposing what may prove to be a small piece of my sickness. More boundary issues. When it comes to my own neediness, I seem to be a bottomless pit--and once the tiger is let out of the pit, it is a ravenous, manipulative, controlling beast. It's time to get to the bottom of this, because it's proving debilitating in my interpersonal connections--and more importantly, it's eating me alive. It is another testament to your power and patience, Lord, that I have the deep friendships I've been able to retain in my life. It's a wonder anyone has had the fortitude to stick by me, considering how relentless I am in my drive to pursue what I've convinced myself to be "depth" in my relationships. My God, I am so demanding, and when I am enjoying any kind of intellectual or emotional validation, I can't ever get enough. I used to stroke myself about my ability to be so good with people one on one, and now I am seeing the other side of that--I initially try to consume anyone who sees the least bit of value in me. I have cried so much that I shouldn't have any eyelashes or tears left. I know a good deal of that is pride dying b/c it is very difficult to admit that I am so damaged...but a good deal of it is also shame and regret. I'm realizing that one of the things I had been keeping prisoner inside my obesity, was knowing myself. Apparently that is so intimidating that I am overwhelmed, and if I am intimidated by it, I can only imagine what it looks like to others at times, this personality that I carry. I am realizing that one of my stratagies in my friendships has always been to bide my time and build a solid foundation with the intent of achieving intimacy that is pervasive. Now, that might sound appealing, or insidious, depending on one's desire to be transparent, or to be guarded. But the bottom line is, that I have held that kind of deep knowing of one another as idolatry in my life--a substitute for knowing and being known by you, Lord--and just as profound: a substitute for knowing and understanding the wounded parts of myself. A distraction. I'm realizing how much that kind of pressure can damage and/or even sever some relationships. Maybe it's even a type of living vicariously through knowing others because I am afraid to know myself on some primal level. Wow, that's heavy. Pursuit of that is like a drug, medicating the deep loneliness and pain that I harbor inside my heart--which is now leaking out at the drop of a hat, it seems. The big "fence" that I've had around myself is coming down and all kinds of "beasts" seem to have been hiding within. In the past I have always dismissed people that I pursued if they "weren't up to the challenge" of going to the depths I wanted to achieve, labeling them as cowards--but now I realize that was arrogance and denial on my part, lying to myself about my own bent for trying to press the other person. So...pain is the order of the day right now, and I am very very messy.

Lord, I need... I need. I need so much. I need you. Please heal me.