Starving

I have been processing so much over the past few days. God is revealing a huge root for my obesity issues. It is a profound thing, to begin to see what is driving destructive behavior. That may be common for a lot of adults--or maybe not, but to be uncovering needs that have been there a lifetime is pretty eye-popping for me. I've known for a long time that my eating was emotionally driven, but I didn't really understand it. I mean, overeating for a lifetime really dulls any chance of clarity regarding the contributing factors. So now, with overeating put aside, things are coming together in my experience and understanding. It's painful. I knew that there would be emotional/mental adjustment as my weight came down, but of course you can only anticipate so much--reality checks are not events you can schedule or manipulate, if they are to succeed at their purpose. So back to this revelation:

I have been getting a LOT of attention now, and it's been a thrilling ride. BUT...it also has triggered a dormant hunger in me for more. I am beginning to see that the insulation I've placed around myself with food has been put there to keep me from feeling the pain of dissatisfaction and deprivation. I am certain that there will be more reasons that surface as time goes on, but this is what I'm seeing right now. I am tasting what it feels like to be confident, feel powerful, and sexy. The response from others has been overwhelming, exciting, and entertaining. But the contrast with my previous existence is deafening. It is becoming more and more obvious that I was very shut down in every way. I'm only now beginning to see glimpses of my younger self, before obesity became so tantamount. I haven't been attractive once in my life at a place where I'm actually mature enough to be able to learn how to handle it. I have always begged men to love me in my own way, because that's the only way I could get them to look past the outter shell. Now, I don't have to beg anymore for their attention, and that is not only enjoyable, but it is intimidating. As I go through all these emotional changes, I'm realizing that I have been starved for intellectual stimulus, appreciation, and success. I mean, you can have all kinds of successes in life, but if the obstacle that is ever-present drains your mental and physical energy and your esteem, it feels like constant, comprehensive failure. That one huge issue becomes an obsession and a continual reminder that you don't fit--literally anywhere--when you get as big as I was. So, now that I'm experiencing some gains in all these areas, it is so tempting to pursue more attention. I am seeing that I have been starving for so long, and feeding that starvation with food. Now it is so tempting to pursue more and more attention, because it has been such a deprived place in my soul.

Lord, I need balance. I need to continue to be able to experience attention I get from men with your perspective. As a strong personality in any situation, I want to honor you, without squelching or denying who I have always been on the inside and am rapidly starting to reflect on the outside. Lord, please give me grace to enjoy the people you place in my path to further your purposes and lessons for me, without letting it go to my head or allowing my love-hunger to sabotage these new relationships. Lord, help me to be satisfied in you. Keep me sober in the midst of all these new dynamics. Keep me, Lord.