Revisiting the Past and My Last Post

In the last post I mentioned that I feel as if I have gone back to a point in my younger years in drive and mindset: a few thoughts on that... I was recruited in high school to attend a local university on a full ride music scholarship: with one contingency--I was given the ultimatum by the instructor that made the award, that I must lose my excess weight to keep my ride--I was about 20 pounds overweight when I went to college, b/c I had lost a lot of my weight my junior year in high school. Today, that ultimatum would be considered discrimination. But back then, teachers weren't as policed as they are now, and I came from an abusive home, so I didn't know any better--I was used to being mistreated, so I didn't question him. Up to that point in my life, my obesity hadn't kept me from being a performer. I still got the lead in the senior play, etc. I was able to hold my own because my musical talent superseded my appearance, so up to that point in my life it had carried me in social situations a lot. High school kids are cruel, but if you have something valuable to offer and it benefits them to claim you as a peer, they will. The irony is, when I look back at my high school photos, I was small! But because I carried the bulk of my extra weight in my thighs, I was considered "fat" by my peers. Anything in high school beyond boney back then, was considered a liability. Today if I was built like that, I'd be considered a light-weight--I think I weighed 140 when I went to college. But that just goes to prove the enemy has an assignment against our lives, and is no respecter of time-frame or truth. Anyway, when this choir director gave me this challenge, an impending sense of dread set in, and I began to overeat to combat the anxiety. Go figure. I mean, I wasn't able to control how I was viewed by others through playing on my talent anymore. So, by my 3rd year in college, I weighed 200 pounds and was stressed to the max, not doing well in course work, and my peers all held me in contempt. I was in the elite vocal group at school, and one of the director's tactics to manipulate me into losing weight was to influence the group to dislike me so I would "shape up". Things just went from bad to worse, and then my "best friend" in the group framed me to take the fall for something I didn't do because she was jealous (I stole the show on stage when we performed, and she didn't like sharing the attention--but I was too gullible to realize it until it was too late). I was asked to leave the group. At that point, I dropped out of college. But, the point of recounting this whole sob story is to say that the Lord is showing me that this is the point in my life where I gave up on myself. I think it began around my 3rd year in college. It took awhile for me to get fat enough that I began to hate myself so much that I didn't have will to continue on in my pursuits. For my 1st and 2nd year I dated, partied, was a little sister for a fraternity, and had a couple of serious boyfriends. A semester before things came to a head with my choir director, I went through a bad break-up as well, so my eating really kicked in then because I was grieving. But prior to this experience, I still was riding the idea that I had the world by the tail. I was having fun. Glory days. Kind of like now...lots of attention on all fronts, popularity, and lots of prospects for the future. But when I dropped out of school, I think I gave up on myself and the idea of having any kind of significant life, and decided I was going to have to settle. And I did exactly that. I mean, I come from a long line of controllers, so I still had some measure of success in my life because I wasn't about to settle for minimum wage jobs, etc. But, I surely did not reach my fullest potential. I took the "safe" road with minimal risks and have been doing that ever since. Now, here I am daring to consider that I could shoot higher, and it seems I'm picking up emotionally where things left off when I gave up. Arrested emotional development. Riding the wave of my new-found freedom, just like I did when I went away to college. A ministry that has helped me a lot has a mantra: "You have to feel, to heal." Apparently, I need to start where I derailed emotionally, to gain some healing and concepts that I missed by checking out on myself so long ago. I wonder sometimes Lord, if you are going to take me backward, starting with the most recent thing first? Will you go all the way back through my past, even to the womb experience? I mean, the enemy doesn't even respect the womb. Will you redeem it all, Lord?

Lord, I ask that you would be gentle with me, as you teach me how to navigate my emotions in the adult world. Give me wisdom and continue to keep me alert. I have for so long now Lord, denied myself permission to feel and to hope. I ask that you would restore my hope to a healthy place, Lord. I'm so "all or nothing" Lord (which speaks to perfectionism and we can visit that terrifying place another day), and I want to be balanced. I want to be able to navigate my own fumbling attempts to find my place in this world--without giving up on myself due to shame and rejection issues. Please create balance in my expectations of self and others, Lord. I ask that if it's possible, despite my mistakes, that the enemy not be allowed to come in like a flood and ruin the reality checks you are giving me. I know you don't reject me when I make mistakes Lord, but please help me not to reject myself. In Jesus' name, amen.