Roller Coaster Ride

I am trying to make peace with where I am right now. One of the horrible things about obesity (which I've mentioned before here) is that overeating is a way of medicating or avoiding one's feelings. Well, now I feel like I'm revisiting my late adolescence a lot lately, and the temptation to stuff that as well, is very strong. I don't like that about me (feeling adolescent), but seem to have very little control over it. So, I'm trying to make peace with the fact that this is just where I am and trying to go around it isn't going to make it go away. It's as if I'm picking up right where I was before my 1st college experience went awry. I want to dance, sing, stay out late with friends, play dress-up, and enjoy the attention I'm getting. God is showing me that one very important component of recovery from my addiction to food is to embrace the youth inside myself, instead of condemning her to silence. He has been faithful to restore some harmony with the friend that I mentioned in my last post that I thought I'd lost, but I still find myself wrestling with the desire to try to gain too much attention. I hear that Sheryl Crow song in my head all the time, "All I wanna do, is have some fun..." When the enemy comes to shame me over it, I am learning to rebuke him and tell him to get lost. There is no way I'm going to learn to navigate this new appearance or new-found confidence, if I don't move through the issues that arise, rather than trying to do an end-run around them. I have so many responsibilities right now, with all that I am undertaking, and it is so tempting to medicate with "play time". All of the experts say that it is good for the soul to take breaks and let your hair down, and I find a need for that more and more, since most of my time is booked with commitments that are critical. I am applying to several medical programs to try to go back to school and in hindsight, it probably would have been prudent to wait a year, just to have some time to adjust to my new life. However, I'm soon to be 43 years old, and time is marching on. Also, there are a lot of things I would like to do financially, and I'm tired of being broke all the time. Debts to be paid off, etc. I would like to have plastic surgery at some point, and doing that when I finish the program I attend would be good timing, before I start a job in earnest. So...a lot of pressure to move forward and make some good money, while I still have several productive years left.

Lord, give me wisdom to know what to do with this young girl that resides inside me. Help me to love her and be patient with her, instead of banishing her in chains to the dungeon again. Help me to know how to walk with her in healthy ways. Lord, give me grace for this period of weight loss, where chemical changes are constant, and hormone levels are all over the map. Lord, help me to give my body and soul what it needs, without jeopardizing the health of either. Give me wisdom to navigate my relationships with others. Give me grace and mercy to get through my next class with an A. You did it last time, and I know you can do it through me again. Help me not to get caught up in the dread of studying, and give me grace to keep a good attitude throughout this semester. I ask that I would be accepted into the program you would have me attend, and that you would provide the funds for it. I also ask that you would provide the funds and the opportunity for me to have plastic surgery. I really don't want to incur a bunch more debt, Lord. In Jesus' name, amen.