Enabler

Lord, you have been giving me a more profound sense of peace, but in that I am becoming more and more in touch with my grief, which is a great paradox to me. Grief, grief, grief. I guess I'm in the grieving phase huh? You think? That peppers every blog I write lately. Today I was out driving and I realized that my innermost circle of friends have all gone their separate ways, and I felt very alone...like I had no place to turn. A spontaneous visit to anyone I know was/is out of the question. We are all so very busy, Lord, building our lives. I said, "Well, I guess it's just you and me, Lord." Then, you encouraged me to go by my church. I attended yesterday evening, but I was in need of some ministry, so I went today because church was just letting out, hoping for prayer, and I got it. Not until after you used me like a wrung out rag in prayer for others who were hurting though. Nothing like being an instrument to take your mind off your own pain. I also got to have a well-earned lunch with someone who is a mentor in my life, and I am thankful for that. I needed to be with someone who could talk about the depths of you Lord, without the distractions of my family. I mean, I love my family, but when I'm going through something, sometimes I just need some breathing room, and some wisdom and insight from another who pursues you who isn't caught up in the same responsibilities I am. Sometimes it is nice to just sit at someone else's feet and hear their perspective.

Right now my neighbors on either side of me are separated, and we have inherited their children since they have no stability at home. A ministry opportunity. But Lord, as I walk with my neighbors and listen to their struggles and the ways in which they are choosing to handle them, you are showing me the contrasts in my own life. My girlfriend who lives next door is going through similar issues because she has lost a lot of weight, and now she is getting a lot of attention as well, but she is choosing to follow it, rather than stay in her marriage. Lord you are showing me how things break down without you. You are showing me how people can behave when they've been seriously neglected, moving to the next person and then the next, looking for worth, thinking they can actually sweep the pile of broken relationships under the carpet and move on, unscathed. Oh, the enemy is such a deceiver. I mean, for me, it has been a real grief process to receive attention from all fronts for the first time in 20+ years, and to die to following after it, rather than walk head-long into the lure of it. It has also been a real challenge to stop pretending that everything is okay in my own life, and just sit in my feelings and not make excuses for myself or the people I love. Good stuff but painful stuff. The stuff that grownups are made of. You are bringing me to a place where I can evaluate the damage in my life and be at peace (peace isn't necessarily devoid of pain), waiting for you to intervene and turn ashes to beauty. How insane that must seem to the world, that we as believers, would willingly stay in a situation less than satisfying, to wait on you. "To whom would we turn Lord, if not for you?" I keep coming back to that scripture again and again.

Lord, you have been showing me what an enabler I was when I was fat. A pretender. Pretending that everything was okay was killing me. Lord, as you knock down this house of cards that I would call my life, I ask that you would rebuild with your master-craftsmanship. I thank you Lord, that you are tearing down the sick things that I built with my own hands (out of my own will and agenda), so that you might reconstruct my circumstances according to your will and purpose. Lord, give me strength to continue to sit in my feelings and stand firm in the resolve to make no attempts to protect those I love from the consequences of their choices. Enable me Lord, not to be an enabler any more.