The Dance

This weekend has been very interesting. I have been out with friends all weekend, partying. Seeing that scene through more grownup eyes is very...sad. It brings me back to the same old theme again--nothing in this world can replace authentic intimacy. I look around at people of all ages, trying so hard to express and impress, working so hard not to be lonely. Watching, being captivated by observing the dance and behavioral patterns of people when they are allowing themselves to be uninhibited is a kind of "split-screen" experience. On the one hand I see folks who are intriguing and beautiful in their ability to be cool and move to the music with such prowess. Beautiful faces. Passion and freedom. All out there in so many different ways. What is it about humanity that makes us want to move to the music? Captivated by the beat. Autonomy and power. I love to express myself that way--the draw of it igniting a desire to become one with the music. With no partner at all, I am happy to move, even if I'm the only one on the floor. Just let me connect with the sound and the beat--and it's on, baby.

But on the other hand, I sense the desperation of soul, to know and be known. To be validated and desired. And there is such emptiness there. I've been out with my friends for the past two weekends, and have gotten to see the same folks, wearing the same clothes, doing the same dances, to the same songs, with the same need. A buzz and a beat. That's the goal. I've watched as people around me work their lines, seeing what will and won't get them to their objective. And lots of objectives there are: a plethra of ways to self-gratify. Sex, a better buzz, a gamble, an ego boost, a feeling of belonging. Reality comes back all too soon, with it's cutting edge. Back to the cares of life without having experienced any significant connection.

Lord, I want so many things I don't seem to be able to have. I want to dance with abandon and enjoy intimate connects with people without all the pressure to jump in the sack. Doesn't seem possible. I want to talk to interesting people who find me interesting, without being abandoned because I'm not a "sure thing" or because I possess too much integrity! Sometimes I think I ought to start some kind of social club that has the theme: "Mingling and Dancing ONLY. You may have fun, but you may not act out! Violators will be shot on sight. Signed, the Management." LOL

Lord, do you think it's wrong to want transparency so much? I know people are hungry for it, because Hollywood is cashing in right now on films that have emotional/relational honesty and vulnerability as the prevailing theme. And yet, even in your church Lord, most people are guarded, tap-dancing their way through life to avoid being seen as vulnerable. God help us.