A Hope and A Future

Lots of mundane things going on as well as good things. As school moves along I am delighted as always to be learning. I'm learning a lot too, regarding myself, as usual. I have reverted back to some of the unresolved past issues...things like, not feeling attractive: the more weight I lose, the more wrinkled I get. I'm feeling old these days. It's frustrating--to finally have my life back and at the same time look older than my age and know that I sacrificed so much of myself on the altar of self-indulgence and avoidance. Yuck. To feel regret and know that I can't take it back, the lifestyle I recklessly chose for so long. It catches up with you, one way or the other. On the other hand, finding a place where I can live and move, and have my being, in the midst of such change...a challenge, an adventure, and a consternation at times. All the giddiness I felt initially at being attractive again has kind of taken a back seat to finding some semblance of balance, and looking for true connection in my relationships. When all is said and done I'm just another human being trying to find self-worth, sometimes in the wrong places, and sometimes in the right One. God has been generous to keep me stimulated by bringing new folks into my life who mentor and challenge, and also to revive relationships that have gone by the wayside over time. It's funny--I've prayed that he would bring me some new friends who would encourage my transparency and my authenticity, and he seems to be reviving relationships that I thought too far gone...and they are turning out to be much more than I could've asked or imagined. I'm thankful and surprised by that. Lots of focus on my relationship with my significant other. We are meandering our way through this transition, and sometimes its like running blind through a wood fraught with pitfalls. Sometimes I feel tangled up in the tree roots of relationship that feel so big and so intertwined that it seems they'll swallow me whole and never let me surface for air again. Other times things are so good that I am amazed and astounded by the goodness of God, that he can take a relationship that was borne in the sickness of my obesity and actually make something significant out of it. I mean lets face it, super morbidly obese people find commitment in folks who don't know what they want and most often are as emotionally unhealthy as they are. Truth is, we are all messy in our own way and that's why Jesus came: to heal our souls. We are all victims of victims, and we cultivate our relational dynamics in the midst of all that sickness until God shakes us to the point that we must deal with it...or die. Maybe I should say and die. Because dying is part of dealing with it, I suppose. Dying to having to have my way, dying to having... Dying to having. That's it. And it is tantamount to gaining abundant life. Dying to having. God, give me your mercy and grace to ride this death to its conclusion. Resurrection.