Whipped Dog

Tonight a friend of mine had a meeting to pitch a product that his partner is developing. I was very curious to know how things turned out, so I called, thinking that if he was still in his meeting, he would have his phone off. Well, he didn't, and he picked up. When he saw it was me, he hung up without saying anything and I could hear the mtg. going on in the background. I thought his response was healthy and appropriate. But after I hung up, I was mortified that I had interrupted and felt so guilty for making the call in the first place. Later tonight, he called me and I was shocked. He apologized for hanging up on me. I was stunned. Very difficult for me to get my mind around the idea that I am actually valued by him enough to make the effort. I immediately had a revelation of how very difficult it is for me to feel safe that I am celebrated in this friendship, even though all arrows point toward it being true. I realized I have a whipped dog mentality in my mind, sidling up to the table, eyes averted, waiting to see if I'll be tossed a crumb--and that's the extent of my expectations. One of the terrible things about being morbidly obese, is a conditioning to disappointment, and a development of expectation that you will be tolerated, at best. It makes one shoot very low. How good I am at hiding those fears. I perform so well, compartmentalizing that insecurity, pushing it down, and focusing on being present in the conversation at hand. A learned skill cultivated from a lifetime of having to sidestep the warranted suspicion that I'm not wanted, not being taken seriously, or I'm being judged as I attempt to be a legitimate player in the game of life, etc. Having to make the choice to engage, despite the odds that I'll actually walk away having been considered a desirable voice in any scenario, instead of a laughing stock. Feeling the need to continually prove my worth in all situations, and feeling largely unsuccessful (no pun intended). The weight may be coming off, but a lot of invisible shackles still remain.

Lord, first of all I want to thank you that you are answering prayer, in providing more mature relationships in my experience. I praise you for your excellent greatness. I ask that you would heal me in the area of trust. Give me the ability to trust that I am lovable, Lord. It is so hard to to get my belief to line up with the truth that I actually have something of value to offer anyone else, even though logically, I know it's true. You have given me many gifts that are of you, Lord, and I know those things can be such a blessing to others. It is hell, to live in a dichotomy all the time in my mind, on the one hand knowing that I am powerful in You and have much to do in this life that affects the lives of others, and that you are facilitating things--and on the other hand, fighting the feeling all the time that I am nothing more than a nuisance. Lord, help me to operate from a healthier place. Please heal my damaged emotions and skewed self-concept. Please restore my soul.