I Blow My Own Mind Sometimes

Okay, it's been a long time. Tonight I realized afresh that I have a long way to go. I found myself falling back into an old temptation that continues to catch me by surprise. Why is it that I forget lessons so soon? Sometimes I feel like middle-age is creeping into my ability to retain information on the emotional and psychological level as much as it affects my ability to (and I quote) "remember whether I am taking the milk out of the refrigerator, or putting it back in..." I am living through a bit of mortification one more time. I should know that when I start feeling all confident about my sexuality and attractiveness, I'm heading for trouble. That confidence and also the knowlege that someone finds me attractive, just makes for problems and they seem to go hand in hand. I begin to throw myself around on one level, and don't even realize it until I'm in over my head. And by over my head, I mean that I'm becoming less rational--in the sense of seeing things for what they really are. Losing a component of my reasoning. And then I do something to embarass myself and it's like cold water in my face. I wake up (thank God) and realize that I'm acting foolish and I need to calm down. I wish for balance: I wish that I could feel sexy and empowered without needing excessive validation. Is that possible? Lord, can you give me that? I am in touch with part of it tonight. I've spoken a lot on this blog about desiring to be free to be myself. When I find a relationship where it's okay to just relax and be myself--and the person actually desires my company...it affects me like a drug. I want more and more. Well, it would be nice if I could catch it before I embarass myself!!! Another component is that I like the drama. But thank you Lord, that my response time to recognize something for what it is, is becoming quicker and quicker. Fortunately, I haven't made too much of an ass of myself--yet. But to quote a friend of mine, "Trust me, I CAN. I've seen myself DO it!" On the other hand though, I am quite aware that this is a legitimate part of my personal journey. I need the opportunity to learn these lessons so I can grow up. I just pray that I am able to learn them well so I don't hurt myself or anyone else. Lord, please use me in the midst of my fumblings, and also use my fumblings to make me a better person--and as always, if at all possible, please be gentle and protect me.