Back After All These Years: and Not Quite So Crazy...
Well, have I been through a lot since the last time I was here. So much time has passed that I had to do some detective work to find the site and do some mining for my login info so I could actually post something new...
Since the last time I was here I have divorced, graduated from nursing school, become a licensed RN and am a single parent...whew! From sitting on my behind for 2 years going to school, eating out of my car, not obeying the rules of my surgery, I've managed to put on 30 lbs. But all in all, with everything that's happened and all the stressors I've been under, it's still good. Can I say that loudly???? If there's anyone out there actually interested in reading this blog, I'll say it again: it's still good. Difficult, yes. Disappointing a lot of time, yes. But still in so many respects REALLY good.
Those of us who've had weight loss surgery are a unique crowd in some ways and in others we are not. We know what it means to medicate. We know what it means to lose our medicating crutch and replace it with other things. We know what our weight loss surgery counselor meant when they told us that if we had a good marriage to begin with before WLS it will remain good and improve, and if we had a bad marriage, it will become worse than it was after surgery. We know what it means to learn to cope with a new body but an old mentality...we know. A journey that still continues for me 4 years out.
Weight loss surgery does not a disciplined person make. To undertake nursing school, which was doable physically after weight loss, but questionable mentally, was no small feat. It's difficult for all folks who attempt it, but to make it through, considering that a year prior to beginning I was a shut down, morbidly obese, miserable, depressed couch potato who couldn't do dishes at the sink for more than 5 minutes without complete agony, it is by no coincidence that I made it through and am now in the trenches, loving on folks who are in the same shape I was in (be it because of age or lifestyle). It was/is divine without question.
As I write this, my male teacher friend whom I wrote about so often in the beginning, who was so instrumental in my transition and such an upstanding, committed family man and (if the truth be known) such a "stone cold fox"...is now contemplating divorce. I am nothing but sad for him. He actually condemned me so heavily when I decided to do it myself 2 years ago, and now he states, "I'm beginning to understand your perspective." This is probably the closest I'll get to an apology from this proud, intelligent and strong young man. What he doesn't understand nor is willing to consider at this time is, after all the blaming is over, then God begins to deal with you. Once we are through bashing the other person for all they didn't do right, God begins to show us ourselves through a very magnified personal lens...if we're willing. But you can't prepare someone else for that, nor can you convince a person who's given up and determined to end their marriage that it's coming...and maybe that's as it should be. Yes? Sometimes it is only in the aftermath that we learn our most valuable lessons. The ones that make us effective in this life.
Meanwhile, my child and I are thriving, we're growing ever closer, and she begs me and her dad with regularity to get back together with tears and gnashing of teeth. I have no attraction to him other than a platonic friendship. After God showed me how much I contributed to the demise of the marriage (my ex didn't do anything right either, but I had to eat a very big piece of humble pie...{and those of you who've had WLS know how completely unappealing it is to eat pie, much less a big portion...}repenting to him about my own contribution to the fallout...), it changed both of our attitudes toward each other. But I still contend with and worry about my sweet child who is a casualty of war and the most vulnerable part of my heart. Release and relief always have a price...
I have a respectable love in my life at this time. Someone who is my age, accomplished, very intelligent, and who is more than grateful to have me in his life: who wants to marry me. He is willing to develop a relationship with my child because he loves me: he's willing to make the effort to know and love her. A brave man. A man who is savvy enough to not attempt to take the place of her father. A man who doesn't take crap off of me without calling me on my stuff. I have to admire that. He is an incredible lover: something I haven't enjoyed until now in my adult life. A little caviat here: I had good sex with my ex for the first time a few months before we separated, but I discovered that better looks, more agility, and a higher sex drive doesn't restore a relationship if your partner isn't interested in cultivating that. Let me qualify this. Good sex: orgasms. Something that was missing when I was so big: both of our faults. But not a romantic, emotionally connected kind of sex. If you think becoming more attractive will stimulate things that have been missing in a relationship all along, be careful. If your significant other was negligent before you became thin, chances are, the things you were needing prior to WLS will not magically appear after. Sex might be mechanically better and you might be more satisfied in that area...but if you were emotionally unsatisfied to begin with, not likely that will change unless your partner is willing to be healed emotionally along with you. I was not so fortunate. I had to completely give up on the relationship to get some peace.
My best friend who also had WLS that gave such sage advise to me in the first several months? She now has leukemia. She is fighting for her life. After all the excitement of losing a 120+ lbs, she's gone from 320 to a manageable 200 lbs, to 120 and is eating to sustain life. Life is ironic and often not fair. She has been through bone marrow transplant and is thriving but has suffered a lot of brain damage from chemotherapy. She is much like a stroke victim. So, take care of yourselves, all who read this. Take your vitamins and do what you're supposed to do to make sure your body gets what it needs. Combined with her malabsorption issues (she had duodenal switch) and lack of appetite, she's struggling to keep her wt within normal limits from the other end of the scale and to survive for her own 10 year old daugher who has no father in the picture. So, those of you who read this and feel sorry for self b/c you can't overindulge any more, believe me, it could be much worse than you imagine. So count your blessings that your biggest frustration is not being able to eat what you used to. There are those who've gone through our process who don't even have a desire to eat, but must do it to survive. So in light of this struggle she's enduring, I would always encourage lap band over any other procedure that's out there at this time, and behind that gastric bypass: NOT duodenal switch. If your health becomes bad, malabsorption issues become the focus of survival. Not good. Anyone who argues with me about procedures, I say: "WHATEVER." Don't mess with me. My surgery, which was restrictive in nature, not malabsorptive type surgery: I say "choose lap band." Restrictive is hard enough. I have deficiencies now that are hard to control, even with the prescribed regimen. Malabsorptive is impossible if you get a detrimental illness. I'm not sure what my own journey will be like as I age and my body doesn't respond as well as it used to. I'm a nurse and I see what suffering goes on just when an electrolyte like potassium is slightly off for the elderly. Add on top of that the inability to get all your nutrition from eating...? Not good. Get lap band so you can tweak your capacity without rearranging your plumbing. My surgeon (Dr Spaw) who is a Believer and a premier surgeon would agree. You can always tighten up that surgery as needed or reverse if it's more harmful than good. The complete plumbing alteration of the others has varying consequences and for the DS, you will pay an enormously HIGH price if you have any other significant health problems. That's my story and I'm sticking to it and I will not argue about it. I've seen the extreme consequences of my gaunt, aged friend who is on disability now b/c her body is overwhelmed and she's trying to live despite the fact that her system will not absorb what she's taking in. So don't be fooled by immediate gratification. It's a deception.
I hope all who read about this journey will be blessed and gain some information that becomes insight over time. I will post as I'm led. Meanwhile, I desperately love my daughter, praying that she will grow up to be a viable adult and skip as many of the evils that are so readily accessible to the younger generations now. That she'll have a healthy sense of modesty and self-respect--b/c she hasn't had good modeling, and that's just the truth. I pray that despite the fragmenting of her family that she will know and understand that she is cherished by both me and my ex-husband and will understand she has a step dad who loves her very much, as well. Most of all, I pray that she knows and will grow in understanding how very much God loves her and is invested in her journey.
Meanwhile, Jesus and I continue our journey together. He is SO very good to me, and saves my pasty butt all the time :)
Since the last time I was here I have divorced, graduated from nursing school, become a licensed RN and am a single parent...whew! From sitting on my behind for 2 years going to school, eating out of my car, not obeying the rules of my surgery, I've managed to put on 30 lbs. But all in all, with everything that's happened and all the stressors I've been under, it's still good. Can I say that loudly???? If there's anyone out there actually interested in reading this blog, I'll say it again: it's still good. Difficult, yes. Disappointing a lot of time, yes. But still in so many respects REALLY good.
Those of us who've had weight loss surgery are a unique crowd in some ways and in others we are not. We know what it means to medicate. We know what it means to lose our medicating crutch and replace it with other things. We know what our weight loss surgery counselor meant when they told us that if we had a good marriage to begin with before WLS it will remain good and improve, and if we had a bad marriage, it will become worse than it was after surgery. We know what it means to learn to cope with a new body but an old mentality...we know. A journey that still continues for me 4 years out.
Weight loss surgery does not a disciplined person make. To undertake nursing school, which was doable physically after weight loss, but questionable mentally, was no small feat. It's difficult for all folks who attempt it, but to make it through, considering that a year prior to beginning I was a shut down, morbidly obese, miserable, depressed couch potato who couldn't do dishes at the sink for more than 5 minutes without complete agony, it is by no coincidence that I made it through and am now in the trenches, loving on folks who are in the same shape I was in (be it because of age or lifestyle). It was/is divine without question.
As I write this, my male teacher friend whom I wrote about so often in the beginning, who was so instrumental in my transition and such an upstanding, committed family man and (if the truth be known) such a "stone cold fox"...is now contemplating divorce. I am nothing but sad for him. He actually condemned me so heavily when I decided to do it myself 2 years ago, and now he states, "I'm beginning to understand your perspective." This is probably the closest I'll get to an apology from this proud, intelligent and strong young man. What he doesn't understand nor is willing to consider at this time is, after all the blaming is over, then God begins to deal with you. Once we are through bashing the other person for all they didn't do right, God begins to show us ourselves through a very magnified personal lens...if we're willing. But you can't prepare someone else for that, nor can you convince a person who's given up and determined to end their marriage that it's coming...and maybe that's as it should be. Yes? Sometimes it is only in the aftermath that we learn our most valuable lessons. The ones that make us effective in this life.
Meanwhile, my child and I are thriving, we're growing ever closer, and she begs me and her dad with regularity to get back together with tears and gnashing of teeth. I have no attraction to him other than a platonic friendship. After God showed me how much I contributed to the demise of the marriage (my ex didn't do anything right either, but I had to eat a very big piece of humble pie...{and those of you who've had WLS know how completely unappealing it is to eat pie, much less a big portion...}repenting to him about my own contribution to the fallout...), it changed both of our attitudes toward each other. But I still contend with and worry about my sweet child who is a casualty of war and the most vulnerable part of my heart. Release and relief always have a price...
I have a respectable love in my life at this time. Someone who is my age, accomplished, very intelligent, and who is more than grateful to have me in his life: who wants to marry me. He is willing to develop a relationship with my child because he loves me: he's willing to make the effort to know and love her. A brave man. A man who is savvy enough to not attempt to take the place of her father. A man who doesn't take crap off of me without calling me on my stuff. I have to admire that. He is an incredible lover: something I haven't enjoyed until now in my adult life. A little caviat here: I had good sex with my ex for the first time a few months before we separated, but I discovered that better looks, more agility, and a higher sex drive doesn't restore a relationship if your partner isn't interested in cultivating that. Let me qualify this. Good sex: orgasms. Something that was missing when I was so big: both of our faults. But not a romantic, emotionally connected kind of sex. If you think becoming more attractive will stimulate things that have been missing in a relationship all along, be careful. If your significant other was negligent before you became thin, chances are, the things you were needing prior to WLS will not magically appear after. Sex might be mechanically better and you might be more satisfied in that area...but if you were emotionally unsatisfied to begin with, not likely that will change unless your partner is willing to be healed emotionally along with you. I was not so fortunate. I had to completely give up on the relationship to get some peace.
My best friend who also had WLS that gave such sage advise to me in the first several months? She now has leukemia. She is fighting for her life. After all the excitement of losing a 120+ lbs, she's gone from 320 to a manageable 200 lbs, to 120 and is eating to sustain life. Life is ironic and often not fair. She has been through bone marrow transplant and is thriving but has suffered a lot of brain damage from chemotherapy. She is much like a stroke victim. So, take care of yourselves, all who read this. Take your vitamins and do what you're supposed to do to make sure your body gets what it needs. Combined with her malabsorption issues (she had duodenal switch) and lack of appetite, she's struggling to keep her wt within normal limits from the other end of the scale and to survive for her own 10 year old daugher who has no father in the picture. So, those of you who read this and feel sorry for self b/c you can't overindulge any more, believe me, it could be much worse than you imagine. So count your blessings that your biggest frustration is not being able to eat what you used to. There are those who've gone through our process who don't even have a desire to eat, but must do it to survive. So in light of this struggle she's enduring, I would always encourage lap band over any other procedure that's out there at this time, and behind that gastric bypass: NOT duodenal switch. If your health becomes bad, malabsorption issues become the focus of survival. Not good. Anyone who argues with me about procedures, I say: "WHATEVER." Don't mess with me. My surgery, which was restrictive in nature, not malabsorptive type surgery: I say "choose lap band." Restrictive is hard enough. I have deficiencies now that are hard to control, even with the prescribed regimen. Malabsorptive is impossible if you get a detrimental illness. I'm not sure what my own journey will be like as I age and my body doesn't respond as well as it used to. I'm a nurse and I see what suffering goes on just when an electrolyte like potassium is slightly off for the elderly. Add on top of that the inability to get all your nutrition from eating...? Not good. Get lap band so you can tweak your capacity without rearranging your plumbing. My surgeon (Dr Spaw) who is a Believer and a premier surgeon would agree. You can always tighten up that surgery as needed or reverse if it's more harmful than good. The complete plumbing alteration of the others has varying consequences and for the DS, you will pay an enormously HIGH price if you have any other significant health problems. That's my story and I'm sticking to it and I will not argue about it. I've seen the extreme consequences of my gaunt, aged friend who is on disability now b/c her body is overwhelmed and she's trying to live despite the fact that her system will not absorb what she's taking in. So don't be fooled by immediate gratification. It's a deception.
I hope all who read about this journey will be blessed and gain some information that becomes insight over time. I will post as I'm led. Meanwhile, I desperately love my daughter, praying that she will grow up to be a viable adult and skip as many of the evils that are so readily accessible to the younger generations now. That she'll have a healthy sense of modesty and self-respect--b/c she hasn't had good modeling, and that's just the truth. I pray that despite the fragmenting of her family that she will know and understand that she is cherished by both me and my ex-husband and will understand she has a step dad who loves her very much, as well. Most of all, I pray that she knows and will grow in understanding how very much God loves her and is invested in her journey.
Meanwhile, Jesus and I continue our journey together. He is SO very good to me, and saves my pasty butt all the time :)
posted by butterflyisfree at 9:51 PM
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