Thursday, February 23, 2006

Two Very Different Subjects on the Subject of Balance

It's been awhile since I've been here, and while it makes me a little nervous that I'm not having one profound epiphany after another right now, on the other hand, it's good to be in a little more even place. One can only take so much mind-boggling recognition without short-circuiting. God you are gracious to give me a reprieve, even though it's been such good stuff. I've started another semester of school, and I'm busy, busy, trying to make good grades in my class I'm taking. But anyway, some testimony...one thing that has come full circle in my life is my period. For the past 10 years my periods have been unpredictable and very high maintenance. After I got married I went on the pill and it didn't agree with me, so after a year or so I stopped it. Since that time, my periods have been off cycle, but my gyno said for a long time now that my obesity was the issue. I mean, anything would throw off my cycle. If I took any kind of medication, be it over the counter, whatever--delay in cycle. And I would go for 2-3 months before I'd have a period again. Then I'd bleed like someone had gutted me--unless I used a tampon, and then it would dry up and come back in a couple days, bleeding like a miscarriage. Horrid stuff. One of my prayers has been that my periods would regulate back to the way they were when I was young. It's happening. I'm back to a regular, predicatable cycle that lasts 4-5 days tops and I only have one heavy day. That's how it was when I was 20. Praise God! Much easier to deal with. Now, I'll be curious to see if the cramps minimize to nothing over time, b/c when I was young I didn't cramp at all. Thank you Lord, for this most welcome milestone.

Tonight I was talking to my girlfriend from back home who's had weight loss surgery. She has a man interested in her who has just had lapband surgery. He's a very eligible guy who has a great outlook and is making the most of his surgery so far. But he's still got 100+ pounds to lose. She isn't attracted to him because of his obesity, and she feels so guilty. I understand her reluctance perfectly. Obese women are rarely drawn to obese men. Why? Because we can't stand the trait in ourselves, much less our mate. I'm not sure many morbidly obese people would ever be drawn to obese partners if it was a conscious decision. We go through living hell. Why would we want to make a go with someone just like us: the "DTDE" crowd. "Destined to Die Early." Looking at someone supermorbidly obese like we are/were as a potential mate is like looking in a horrifying mirror. We know what it's like. We know the pain, the esteem issues, the constant rejection, the false bravado, the lack of mobility, the denial, the missed promotions, the lack of respect, the deaf ears, the emotional poverty, the co-morbidities, the limitations...the regrets...the lost life. It's too painful to consider. And yet, in our conversation we talked about what this man may become? There's also reluctance on her end because she knows what she went through as a result of all the newfound attention...and she knows what I've been through as a result of all the attention (you get downright bi-jiggety)--and she's reluctant to date him, even though right now he doesn't do it for her. After he starts to get cute again, would she actually turn his crank? I laughed tonight because I knew exactly what she meant. Only after I said, "So what are you sayin'? That I went off the deep end? ? ?" Then we both just laughed again. There is an element of that for awhile. It's all so...overwhelmingly, wonderfully...intoxicating. For awhile anyway, until the pendulum begins to swing back toward the middle. From one extreme to the other and then back again to a more balanced place. It's like, you go through a stage where you are redifining who you are and incorporating who you were before things got so blasted out of control--back when you still felt some confidence...and it is difficult in the beginning to not be overwhelmed and baffled by it all. Anyway, so an interesting dynamic my friend finds herself in. Does she go ahead and "catch" this good man, before he gets so cute that he might not think she's "all that?" Or does she leave it alone and see where the chips fall? Well, my wise friend is choosing to leave it alone. She's very street smart. LOL I have to admire her wisdom. Tonight she said, "You know how it is! It goes to your head...and everything else!!" I busted out laughing. She's SO funny--and so right! After having just jumped off that rollercoaster ride (for now at least), I can't blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out on that track and wait to get run over! Good girl!

Lord, thank you for balance. Please continue to balance my life and the life of my friend...and the life of her new friend. Thank you for humor, and the voice of reason.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Fluffer

That's me. The Fluffer. One of the gifts God has given me is to be an encouraging affirmation to folks. A prophetic insight into their potential and gifts. A supernatural deposit that enables me to look past the surface and see their attributes, and also a wisdom to see the obstacles that keep those attributes from coming forth. An ability to see who they really are, and believe in the truest version of themselves--the person they were created to be. To cut through the surface and go directly to the heart. One of the internal motivations that cultivates this gift in a person, is the desire to be seen and known in the same deliberate way. To be truly known. A running theme from the very beginning of this whole blog has been my own yearning to be intimately known and loved for who I am. Today I have been grieving (yet again for goodness sake, I'm getting on my nerves), that I have such a deep (seemingly bottomless) need for this kind of connection for myself, and it seems God that you are largely blocking me in that area. I mean, you've been generous to let me have some satisfaction--but only in the safest of arenas--which is very kind of you. But this whole situation is uncovering for me that I am blocked in my ability to receive from you. Fear. The great relationship killer. I don't know if it's that I'm afraid you will withhold from me, or that I am afraid that what you have to offer is not going to be good enough. I'm not sure. Maybe it's both, or another can of worms altogether. BUT, the fact still remains that in being married to you Lord, I am reserved for you alone, and you have been making that abundantly clear. So, BRING it. Captivate me in the dance. Show me what you've got.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Dance

This weekend has been very interesting. I have been out with friends all weekend, partying. Seeing that scene through more grownup eyes is very...sad. It brings me back to the same old theme again--nothing in this world can replace authentic intimacy. I look around at people of all ages, trying so hard to express and impress, working so hard not to be lonely. Watching, being captivated by observing the dance and behavioral patterns of people when they are allowing themselves to be uninhibited is a kind of "split-screen" experience. On the one hand I see folks who are intriguing and beautiful in their ability to be cool and move to the music with such prowess. Beautiful faces. Passion and freedom. All out there in so many different ways. What is it about humanity that makes us want to move to the music? Captivated by the beat. Autonomy and power. I love to express myself that way--the draw of it igniting a desire to become one with the music. With no partner at all, I am happy to move, even if I'm the only one on the floor. Just let me connect with the sound and the beat--and it's on, baby.

But on the other hand, I sense the desperation of soul, to know and be known. To be validated and desired. And there is such emptiness there. I've been out with my friends for the past two weekends, and have gotten to see the same folks, wearing the same clothes, doing the same dances, to the same songs, with the same need. A buzz and a beat. That's the goal. I've watched as people around me work their lines, seeing what will and won't get them to their objective. And lots of objectives there are: a plethra of ways to self-gratify. Sex, a better buzz, a gamble, an ego boost, a feeling of belonging. Reality comes back all too soon, with it's cutting edge. Back to the cares of life without having experienced any significant connection.

Lord, I want so many things I don't seem to be able to have. I want to dance with abandon and enjoy intimate connects with people without all the pressure to jump in the sack. Doesn't seem possible. I want to talk to interesting people who find me interesting, without being abandoned because I'm not a "sure thing" or because I possess too much integrity! Sometimes I think I ought to start some kind of social club that has the theme: "Mingling and Dancing ONLY. You may have fun, but you may not act out! Violators will be shot on sight. Signed, the Management." LOL

Lord, do you think it's wrong to want transparency so much? I know people are hungry for it, because Hollywood is cashing in right now on films that have emotional/relational honesty and vulnerability as the prevailing theme. And yet, even in your church Lord, most people are guarded, tap-dancing their way through life to avoid being seen as vulnerable. God help us.