Stifled Creativity

One thing that came up last night as I was apologizing for my meanness, was an awareness of something critical that has been sacrificed on the alter of "lack". Being super-morbidly obese is a type of insulation: from lack. Protection from feeling the deficits in my life. So many deficits. Such a vicious cycle, obesity and a demanding task-master at that. While obesity is insulation, it also perpetuates the very pain we avoid. I mean, I look back over the enemy's assignment for my life and can see early on how being afraid to trust due to lack in my life was always part of the plan to get me to sabotage myself. I find it ironic, for example, that a good deal of lack in my life evolved out of my hefty financial investment in major corporations like McDonalds and the like. Depleting money and health... Anyway, the Lord showed me that a lot of my anger comes from feeling robbed of the opportunity to be creative. I experience my surroundings (and now my body) as a canvas for creative expression. Creative expression costs money. I am so tired of always worrying about money. I just want to be free. Lord, I want my home, my appearance, and my productivity to be pleasing and welcoming to all whom I encounter. My home, a soothing, supernatural refuge for the soul and spirit in this dark world. My appearance a display of your beauty, creativity, and power. My hospitality a delight and pleasure to those who partake, even spoiling my guests. Lord, I ask that you would pour out your prosperity on this body and this household, that they both will be a reflection of your creative abilities. Please give me opportunities and finances to fully express who you've made me to be.

Humble Pie

Tonight someone I really love did something incredibly stupid--something that would cause me some headaches and cost me some money--big money. I reacted. Detatchment and trust was not the response I gave, and I just decided to let the enemy roll on over me, blurting out things in my anger that I would regret later. So, I went for a drive, got some perspective, and got really convicted. I could hear you Lord, talking to me, giving me the business about my behavior, showing me what my love felt when I was being so belligerent. So, biting off a big piece of humble pie (which doesn't taste very good by the way) I went home to apologize. It was not easy, but you showed me that even though the mistake made could cost me dearly, that you are able to provide for it's repair and more. So, I repented and told my dear one that I'd been an ass, shared what the Lord had shown me about myself, and that my behavior was uncalled for. I told my love that God had revealed that I had the right to be mad, but not to be an ass about it. The reconciliation that happened was exquisitely sweet, and things ended up costing next to nothing to repair the mistake--also the Lord made it happen quickly so I didn't suffer any inconvenience at all...go figure. Do you know, that the Lord worked it so that the price paid was very minimal? I wonder if it would've been non-existent, had I trusted him to begin with? Hummmmm...*scratching head*. Maybe not, but it's worth taking a leap of faith next time to see. Lord, help me to get it, that you are able despite our failings. You are worthy to be praised.

Cherished

I was talking to one of my most Cherished friends tonight about a situation I'm processing, and I realized how blessed I am that God has honored me with a few deep relationships. She reflected to me that not everyone can handle the kind of candid approach I have to life. I realized this is true, and that my committment to being open, scares the life out of quite a few folks--and yet, I am called to be who I am. Although I'm still learning to wield who I am, as well. A critical lesson, to be sure. Pearls can get trampled--or misunderstood, or even handled foppishly by myself as I learn how to handle them. When I talked to my girlfriend tonight, we spoke a lot about what is on this blog, and what God is doing in/through my posts. I've been blessed to see fruit already and that it's impacting some folks, so I am quite blown away by that. I know it's God because of what's coming out of me. I know this: that even if no one is ever blessed by it again, I think it completely rocks, just being able to finally get it out of myself onto the written page. It's more than cool. Anyway, back to my conversation with my Girl--she and I have been through most everything together, and by that I mean--we have lived the same life in a lot of ways and a good deal of it together, including gaining weight together. When we both began to finally lose the weight, we started at the same top weight, give or take a pound. We've worn each other's clothes, lived together when we were young adults, etc. There is a deep, deep sisterly bond there. We have been through so much together--including the fine-tuning of the relationship. It is astounding to me that the Lord has given us each other, b/c we are sharing things now in weight loss that only two such intimate friends would feel safe enough to talk about--and she understands so much everything I'm experiencing because she's been there. That alone is a gold mine of blessings, but much more than that, God has given us both a belief in each other. We really see the beauty the Lord has placed in each other and believe in it. Everyone needs someone to know them well and believe in them. Of course, God wants to be that for us--our complete fulfillment--and he won't settle for anything less--he is an ardent suitor. But, isn't it delightful and humbling that he graciously gives us some people in our horizontal relationships through which he expresses the vast love and faith he has in us, because he knows the joy of knowing and being known? Those who can see your true potential and your rough edges who aren't scared off and actually enjoy you? That's a rare find in a human, and exactly the kind of relationship the Lord wants so much from us--to be unafraid and enjoying him, ever-growing in the knowlege of his potential. Safe enough in him to be real. Lord, I thank you for the friends you've given me that are faithful and true, that love the You in me. I thank you that they can see and want it. I thank you that you have given me an open heart, even though it can hurt a lot sometimes. I ask you to give me increased wisdom about where to open my heart, and also continue to lead me by your spirit, and let me see the fruit. It builds my faith in you, and I need and want more. Remind me continually of why I'm here so I keep my focus on your desires. I love you so.

Death

Missing in action. Today I am blunted, unable to sense the Lord's presense. Where is my heart? Sometimes the Lord is silent, or something in our heart blocks our ability to experience him. Everyday can't be euphoric in him, can it? I am not unhappy, and the day is good...but I do miss hearing from him. I sense that the flatness I'm feeling is an opportunity to die to something that I need to surrender? I am chewing on something...that needs to go...that I'm sad to see die. But I know it needs to go. So...here I am, allowing God to do his perfect work, surrendering to death once again. I am even in agreement with this death that needs to happen, but not there yet. I'm still hoping he'll ressurect what I'm giving up into something more holy that will be edifying. Dying to self doesn't truly happen until we give up on every agenda around a particular circumstance--even the agendas that sound like they would be healthy outcomes. Lord, give me grace and mercy to drop my agendas. You are good.

Battle

It is so easy to get caught in traps of cyclical worry (which is another major component of being super-morbidly obese--along with most other emotionally driven self-destructive habits). I am watching, praying right now, as someone I love is grasping at straws in futility over a situation that is a test. He would have me pray for a specific outcome from the Lord and I would pray for breakthrough to trust. It pains me to watch, only because I know that cycle too well. It is way too familiar. And as someone recently reitterated to me, if you don't pass the test, it will come round again. Also, going from "glory to glory" has a price--as soon as you pass one test, the enemy throws a bigger challenge at you. The Biblical word for trial and test is the same thing in the original language. So what the enemy throws, the Lord often allows. Job's story is proof. And the cool thing is, things are never as awful as we anticipate, because of Jesus. In him things usually turn out better than we could've asked or imagined in our limited, finite perspective of what WE think needs to happen to resolve our current crisis. I say "usually," but in retrospect, I realize that things only turn out less than perfect when I don't surrender. God is eternally faithful, and even if suffering comes in the test, the outcome is always divine, wonderful, and blessed beyond the bandaid solutions we would want. Oh, that we would learn our lessons well and enjoy the spoils that the Lord provides as he wins the battle for our souls. Lord give me grace when the suffering comes not to complain. The battle belongs to you, Lord.

Milestones

There are many things that I'm recapturing as my weight goes down. I thought I'd start keeping a running list so I don't forget where I've come from. These are issues that have either gone away or have been resolved since June 05:

• I am off my high blood pressure medication and my BP stays about 110/70
• I can move through most normal activities now without injuring myself--I'm having to be careful not to do too much too soon--it's so tempting to feel limitless with newfound freedom, which is dangerous
• Most joint pain is gone, except for the longest-standing conditions (lower back, hips), but I'm hoping that strength training will relieve some/all of this--and of course, I'm praying for total healing..."you have not because you ask not"
• My daughter can sit on my lap for the first time since she began to walk
• I can cross my legs again-it's been over 20 years
• I no longer snore-this was a source of a lot of emotional pain when travelling with others
• I can wear makeup again-before my skin was so oily and there was so much fat above my eyes that I didn't even touch mascara, lest I look like a raccoon in no time
• I can wear high heels again-instead of the standard tennis shoe
• Which brings me to being able to dress nice again, rather than wearing "tent" clothing
• I can tie my shoes on top by bending my knee up, rather than laying my leg to the side on the bed and tying to the side
• I can stand up to put on my pants--before I had to sit down so I wouldn't fall
• I no longer have urinary stress incontinence
• I can shave my legs sitting in the tub-instead of sitting on the side or standing up (not since I was a teen)
• I can wear jeans
• I can tuck a shirt
• My rings are all too big
• I can wear a favorite watch (any watch for that matter) that was a gift from my husband (and it's getting too big)-I had packed it away long ago
• Intimacy with my husband is a LOT better, physically and relationally
• I can wear panty hose without starting a 4-alarm fire between my thighs when walking LOL
• Taking a shower is a lot more pleasant experience because I don't injure my rotator cuffs anymore
• I can go for walks and ride my bike
• I can bound up/down stairs without holding onto the rail and putting both feet on the same step before I risk another
• I now eat like the normal thin people around me. I actually get full and leave food on my plate and lose my craving for the food--this in itself is mindboggling to a girl who could pile a plate full twice and still eat dessert
• I'm a cheap date for the 1st time in my life
• The chronic bitchery that encapsulated my demeanor is becoming a thing of the past
• I'm sure there is more to come

Like a Drop of Oil in Living Water

I have been experiencing that folks are drawn to me more now, and I am convinced that it is because they sense Jesus, even if they don't know what it is. And I give him as much glory as I can for all that is happening to me too. It is very cool to be an extension of his glory. My friend and I talked about this very thing tonight and then I read the day's devotion in God Calling and that was exactly what it was about. It is so bizarre and wonderful. I am becoming more of who I am created to be: "a display of his splendor" inside and out. I say all this in utter amazement, because it is constantly taking me by surprise. I see God blessing people through the everydayness of my life: humor, helpfulness, encouragement--a willingness to put feelings of self-pity aside and just serve--it is so much easier to be real than it used to be--when I thought I was responsible for my own healing--and everyone else's for that matter (gross). More than anything else, I can see God moving and am blown away by the way life with him unfolds. I keep telling people, "it's not me, it's God." I think some of them think I'm nuts, but I don't care because I can see it happening right before my very eyes--and I KNOW me. I can't take the credit. I have never been an over-achiever who had positive flesh and could make legalism work for me and get "positive" results so I looked good to the world. "Look at that fat cow, she should have more control over herself." I was the one getting beaten up by it but no one wielded the flogging whip more than myself. It was bad enough seeing it in the eyes of others, but doubly bad being in agreement with them. I was judge, jury, and executioner, all in the same huge package. I think the reason the magnitude of his ability to orchestrate is surprising, is because he's tearing away more of the vestiges of my ideology that I have to perform for him to be acceptable. That ill-advised state of mind is a constant battle. The more he makes me aware of my complete powerlessness in being/doing anything that he has in store, the more awestruck I am by what he does. I mean, it's downright bewildering sometimes--his complete perfectness in his unflinching and infinite ability to maintain his sovereignty. His timing, though sometimes frustrating, is impeccable. Lord, give me faith and fortitude to wait on you without jumping the gun and going off half-cocked on my own agenda. My friend calls it suspension. Suspension of the desire to try to grab control which is a ludicrous notion if you think about it for more than a second--as if. I believe this is what's meant by taking thoughts captive. Sometimes I don't suspend very well, but it's better than it ever was before. Thank you Lord--you are good, and I ask for abundant grace and favor to remain suspended within your love, mercy, and wisdom.

Long Forgotten Places

Many of us (most of us, really) have a yearning for attention that we didn't get from our parents, whether it be because the parent was absent for whatever reason, or because we misinterpreted their intentions through our childish, undeveloped understanding of their actions toward us--or maybe they were legitimately selfish or negligent, even though they were around. Whatever the reason, we adopt so many ways of coping with our lack that make war with our ability to receive and give love from others, most especially from the Father.

I know that as my weight is peeling away, I am beginning to feel things that I wouldn't allow to penetrate before. The relief of so many long-standing burdens is thawing me out--newfound vulnerability is coming forth out of the neglected, packed-away recesses of my soul. Long forgotten places of discovery that were covered by the effort and focus required to just make it through a day and finish the most basic of responsibilities. I feel like Peter when Jesus filled his nets--I'm not worthy to tie his sandals. Often now, I find myself weeping in an overwhelmed state when I begin to think about his favor and how he is blessing me, because I'm aware of my blemishes, my laziness, and my self-absorption--my sin.

Lord, that you would gently and lovingly unthaw us all, that we might taste of you and see how very good you are. Lord, break me wide open, that I might receive your love and compassion and your provision for my wholeness.

Tests

When God doesn't immediately resolve something, I believe it is a test. I am being tested right now in the area of health. I have been begging for healing over an issue and I decided this morning that I am going to take a leap of faith and stand in trust that the Lord is going to resolve this torturous situation. I have made a financial investment in cures, etc. and I'm committing to leaving it alone until God heals me. I am putting aside my own efforts to heal myself, because they are not working, which I believe is part of the test. I pray for stamina and patience to ride it out until the test is over, in Jesus' name. Lord deliver me from this agony.

Daddy Love

Tonight I was triggered in a way that surprised me. A man that I admire spontaneously expressed an endearment to me as he was helping me with a task. We have been sparring for the entire semester, picking on each other in playful antagonism. This relationship has been pleasurable, in that I have been enjoying a growing friendship, and respect for this person. He is my teacher and my colleague. I needed help and he came over and said, "What do you need, Sweetie?" I was shocked and immediately felt fear at his spontaneous endearment. I have enjoyed a playful banter with this man that has been up to now, and I believe still is, innocent. I believe he meant nothing sexual, and was just expressing his affection for me--the kind of shepherd's love that all those gifted to teach feel toward their students who care about the work-but it touched a place deep inside me that triggered grief. I was shocked at my reaction. Outwardly I played it off, teasing him about "trying to make up after he'd been harassing me all through class." The child inside me has been starved for fatherly love for most of my life, and I believe that a good portion of the roots of my obesity are found in this deficit. As I drove home from class I wept and cried out praying to God, asking him to fill that void. I need so much to know a father's love. I need to be able to crawl up in the Father's lap and feel safe and cherished. I am asking that God give me a clear sense of his presence and affection. I need him to be playful and show me his sense of humor. Because I have been starved for this kind of love, I have closed myself off from the chance and possibility of having that from God himself, to avoid disappointment. I have blocked that kind of intimacy from God, because I'm afraid he'll let me down or punish me in some way. I believe the excess weight in part, has been a way of insulating myself from continued disappointments--and consequently, there have been so many. I am grateful that I haven't been able to succeed in killing that part of myself after all--that needy child. Tonight I discovered that she's still alive in there, and she has a voice. I am grateful that God is giving me the presence of mind to target and channel those feelings of need toward him so that I can continue to be present in my horizontal relationships in healthy ways. I believe that only while I am being filled with the Lord's love in the areas where I'm wounded and bankrupt, will I be able to give of myself freely to those who love me, without shame, fear, or jaded disappointment. Thank you Lord, for using my teacher to uncover my pain and need so you can heal me.

Intro

I have lost 100 pounds since June 2005. Having been obese most of my life, I am travelling into new territory. This journey I make with Jesus, and he is surprising me all the time.