Expounding on the Virtues of Sting

My good buddy sent me a holiday greeting from Sting. The Stinginator. The Stinger. Boy, I do love that friend for thinking of me... Sting. God's own handiwork. To quote Diary of a Mad Black Woman, "Jesus, this man is fine." Thank you Lord, for the deposit you made into Sting. He is incredible. Lord, I hope he belongs to you, because I sure would love to spend some time with him in heaven. I see so many of your attributes in him, Lord. Your penchant for design--in every way. This man is so healthy and youthful, and yet somber and reflective--sophisticated. He is a consumate musician, in all respects, and a brainiac as well. You know how I love that, Lord. One of the backup singers in Bring on the Night commented that Sting's music is both visceral and cerebral. I really like that. It is so wonderful to hear music that is complex not only in instrumental composition, but in lyric, passion, and execution as well. I bet you delight in him even more than I do. And, let's not forget his sex appeal. The man loves his wife and children, insists that his crew stay chaste on tours...I think that's pretty dang awesome. There's nothing more sexy than a man with values--who knows how to express himself--with a body and face that won't quit on top of it! OW! LOL Lord, the gifts you've given this man just blow my circuits. If he doesn't know your love intimately Lord, I ask that for him.

Lord, I ask that you restore me musically, that I might enjoy that aspect of my life in ways that supercede the great experiences I've had before. I want to make GOOD music, Lord. Music that satisfies the yearnings of my soul. Music that reflects your excellence in me.

Life and Death

Well, I have missed blogging since I've been away for Christmas. This Christmas was hard in many ways. Mostly due to negativity. I always miss home when I'm not there, but there seems to be a spirit of negativity over the place. I was so glad to return home tonight, where things felt closer to "normal," whatever that is. I had so many negative things confessed over me at home, that I feel like I need a bath just to get them all off of me. Lord, I pray you would cleanse me of all the word curses that were spoken, and I break them off of me, in Jesus' name. You say that the tongue has the power of life and death. I'm not sure you meant that figuratively. Lord, make my tongue a carrier of life. Help me to guard against saying things that agree with the enemy. Keep me alert to the caution of your spirit, and give me grace to heed it. I thank you Lord, for all the blessings of this Christmas. It feels so good to be home, and I thank you for that, Lord.

New Dynamics--Balloons in the Sky

Today is a day of traveling and I am off work for the holiday. My plan was to sleep late, but Lord, you must have other things in mind because here I am, up during the very early hours of the morning, blogging to you. More often than not, I just want to get on here and praise you and thank you. For healing me, for loving me, for teaching me. The list goes on, but those are the big ones. I'm hope you never tire of being worshipped because sometimes that's all I can think about when I'm on here.

I am just beginning to learn what most women already understand: how to recognize men's intentions. I've had SO much attention lately from so many different places, that it's been overwhelming and a bit of a puzzlement at times, to know what to do with it. But, you are faithful to show me, Lord. I am watching these men and the ways in which they respond--it's bit startling. Of course too, there's sometimes the thought in my head that says, "Hello, it's still me! Remember me? I'm still in here!" But mostly, I'm just enjoying it, and not being jaded. I'm more thrilled with what I see happening to myself than anyone external, and I think I experience a lot of the same feelings that onlookers do when I look in the mirror. Shock, amazement, and delight. Over the past few months I've had attention that has been everything from charming to scary to ridiculous. Lots of comedy. I've seen guys run into things when they get a good look and realize it's me, simply because they are first shocked, and then attracted--and definitely not watching where they're going! LOL I've seen every kind of man on my viewscreen lately: the gentleman, the wriggly puppy, the lion-hearted, the desperate, the "elderly but not dead yet" and most recently, the barracuda. There's one man at my job who has the rep for being a philanderer, and he has me in his sights right now. He can be so aggressive and sexually inappropriate that he's had complaints filed against him by other women at work. He's taking every opportunity to insert himself into my field of vision. Lord, I need wisdom about how to keep this man at arm's length without it becoming a nasty scene. I'd like to keep it light, if it's okay with you. It's a new day in every respect, this weight loss thing. I mean, since I've spent most of my life being overweight, I have much catching up to do in a short amount of time.

Lord, I need your protection. Please allow me to continue to be outgoing and gregarious. However, I also ask that you would continue to refine my ability to convey good boundaries. I'm not used to being a beautiful woman in the workforce. Or the church (that alone is very intimidating--you know how your people can be). Give me empowering to be gracious and kind as men make attempts to get my attention, but at the same time, strengthen my recognition of the demons that would attempt to destroy your good work in me--and them. Increase my discernment in this area. I believe that you are already doing that Lord, so I guess what I'm really saying is, don't allow me to get side-swiped by the enemy. Please don't let me assume that something is innocent, when it's really dangerous. Lord, teach me how to interact with women. I can sometimes see intimidation in their eyes. Help me to be a light and a well-spring of your spirit that attracts people to you rather than distracting them with me. Lord, keep me quickened to the truth in all situations. Please keep me alert to not only the obvious, but the subtle threats. In your name I pray, Amen.

Oh, and by the way, words are not enough to express my gratitude that you answer my prayers. You know, prayer is a funny thing. I pray these lofty things knowing that they are only going to happen if you decide it's beneficial. The things I pray have nothing to do with how holy or pious I am. I just keep asking for the moon, and often the impossible, and somehow in your great power and wisdom, you keep giving it to me in wonderful packages with beautiful wrapping. It's kind of like releasing helium balloons into the sky. You don't know where they will land or how it will turn out but you do it anyway, just to see what happens. Seeing you answer prayer Lord, is like stumbling upon those same balloons later when I least expect it, and being shocked that they actually made it through the atmosphere intact, but also seeing that they've become something more beautiful than what I released--that they've morphed into something much more--changed and become more than I'd ever hoped they could be. New colors, new shapes, and healthier than they were when I released them. Shocking and impossible, but yet there they are...on display for me to pick up and enjoy all over again with new pleasures in store. I want you to know that it hasn't gone without my noticing, how faithful you've been to answer each and every one of my requests in the way that you see fit to answer. And I can't thank you enough for allowing me to experience your favor, Lord.

Slaves

Talking my dear friend last night spurred the thought that it is a blessing to be able to keep your joy and your sense of humor in the midst of crisis and craziness. I mean, this past two weeks have been hellish for both of us as we are going through some similar things. It is the sustaining power of the Lord that we are both still standing after such craziness that the enemy has put in our circumstances and our heads. Also, the blessing to have someone to share with, when it feels like your world is coming unglued is...in the very least, something to cherish, always. God I thank you again, for putting relationships in place that provide much-needed support and understanding. A place to confess and not be judged, to reflect and process, to gain a different perspective. In reality, you have blessed me with a "quiver-full" of dear friends who aren't afraid of honesty and growth. What an uncommon thing, in a world of denial and avoidance and self-medication! Most people don't want to know anything about themselves that would make them feel the least bit uncomfortable, and yet God, you have blessed me with such phenomenal friends, that they are unafraid to experience your surgical knife, that would remove the things that are causing problems. What a testament to you, Lord, that we continue to be in agreement with your will. Your will is so frightening sometimes. And yet, we are compelled by your spirit in us, to agree with you again and again. Slaves to righteousness.

Lord, I thank you once again, that you are for us, and not against us. Thank you that you stick to us like the glue that you are, holding our lives in the palm of your hand, never forsaking us. Thank you that you are gentle and for your indwelling spirit, which provides ever-present help in times of trouble. Thank you Lord, that you have put it in us, to hunger and thirst after righteousness by the power of your spirit, because if you didn't put that desire in us, surely we would be useless, miserable, and up to wickedness, all the time. Thank you Lord, that you have put hope inside us, that when we are pressed from all sides, we are comforted by knowing that you can replace ashes with beauty. Thank you, Lord.

Comforter

Today at church was very good. The message was speaking to me, and I got lots of much-needed prayer. I am amazed at what a positive place my church can be. A healing refuge, if you want it. Friends are there, who have much wisdom and compassion without judgement. The elderly, especially. If you can call them that. The ones who are Seniors are in their 70's, and they have a very progressive attitude. Lord, I hear you speak through them with wisdom and at the same time, affection and appreciation for me and for that I am very thankful. It's very humbling and an honor to be considered something of a peer with that group.

A guy was sitting behind me and my love, and our pastor called for us all to group off in small huddles to pray. A young guy had been testifying about miracles he is seeing God do in his life, and it was so powerful it made me tear up. He was raw and very excited about you, Lord. He was preaching and so young and so anointed. I was deeply moved and impressed with what you are doing in him, and I can relate. You are always busy! LOL And boy can it be hard. Anyway, our pastor called us to pray into our own lives what the young believer was sharing, and we were paired up with this young man who was incredible. He asked me how I was doing and I confessed some things and we prayed, which was very encouraging. But AFTER the service, he came up to me and looked dead straight into my eyes and spoke to me from your heart God, about the deepest things in my soul. It was like he took a page out of my thoughts and just spoke to them, and it was a most edifying, encouraging, and painfully wonderful thing. Said you had been speaking to him about me, and when our eyes locked, I knew I was in for some serious ministry--I wasn't disappointed. God, I love that about you. You never come to me without encouragement and hope. You always say what you think with such love and mercy. What a time this is, when you pour out your spirit on the young and they prophesy. I absolutely love it. It is so mesmerizing and delightful to see you doing your thing in people around me, especially when it comes from them in my direction. I experienced you today as the "Bread of Life" because of the way you fed me from your hand.

Lord, I pray in agreement with you that your light in me will not be diminished or extinguished, despite my shortcomings--that you will be glorified. I am very grateful that you continue to sustain me because I belong to you. It blows my mind all over again, every time I realize that you are still about your business despite my mistakes, and that there is nothing I can do to thwart you, because you will not be moved from your position as Sovereign Lord.

Starving

I have been processing so much over the past few days. God is revealing a huge root for my obesity issues. It is a profound thing, to begin to see what is driving destructive behavior. That may be common for a lot of adults--or maybe not, but to be uncovering needs that have been there a lifetime is pretty eye-popping for me. I've known for a long time that my eating was emotionally driven, but I didn't really understand it. I mean, overeating for a lifetime really dulls any chance of clarity regarding the contributing factors. So now, with overeating put aside, things are coming together in my experience and understanding. It's painful. I knew that there would be emotional/mental adjustment as my weight came down, but of course you can only anticipate so much--reality checks are not events you can schedule or manipulate, if they are to succeed at their purpose. So back to this revelation:

I have been getting a LOT of attention now, and it's been a thrilling ride. BUT...it also has triggered a dormant hunger in me for more. I am beginning to see that the insulation I've placed around myself with food has been put there to keep me from feeling the pain of dissatisfaction and deprivation. I am certain that there will be more reasons that surface as time goes on, but this is what I'm seeing right now. I am tasting what it feels like to be confident, feel powerful, and sexy. The response from others has been overwhelming, exciting, and entertaining. But the contrast with my previous existence is deafening. It is becoming more and more obvious that I was very shut down in every way. I'm only now beginning to see glimpses of my younger self, before obesity became so tantamount. I haven't been attractive once in my life at a place where I'm actually mature enough to be able to learn how to handle it. I have always begged men to love me in my own way, because that's the only way I could get them to look past the outter shell. Now, I don't have to beg anymore for their attention, and that is not only enjoyable, but it is intimidating. As I go through all these emotional changes, I'm realizing that I have been starved for intellectual stimulus, appreciation, and success. I mean, you can have all kinds of successes in life, but if the obstacle that is ever-present drains your mental and physical energy and your esteem, it feels like constant, comprehensive failure. That one huge issue becomes an obsession and a continual reminder that you don't fit--literally anywhere--when you get as big as I was. So, now that I'm experiencing some gains in all these areas, it is so tempting to pursue more attention. I am seeing that I have been starving for so long, and feeding that starvation with food. Now it is so tempting to pursue more and more attention, because it has been such a deprived place in my soul.

Lord, I need balance. I need to continue to be able to experience attention I get from men with your perspective. As a strong personality in any situation, I want to honor you, without squelching or denying who I have always been on the inside and am rapidly starting to reflect on the outside. Lord, please give me grace to enjoy the people you place in my path to further your purposes and lessons for me, without letting it go to my head or allowing my love-hunger to sabotage these new relationships. Lord, help me to be satisfied in you. Keep me sober in the midst of all these new dynamics. Keep me, Lord.

Betrayal

How do you recover from a hideous betrayal? One of my dearest loves just this past weekend was the victim of such unspeakable evil, that it takes my breath away. It came to light that a man that was planning to marry her has in fact been keeping women all over the country, and the worst part, is that he used You Lord, as a way to manipulate his way into her heart--AND the heart of her child. Yet, in the midst of it all, one of the other women, who is also a believer, is actually reaching out to my friend, and they are grieving together, talking of You, as they continue to discover, blow by excruciating, astonishing blow, how this man has betrayed them, played them. Is it possible Lord, that you want to minister to these women through each other? I told my friend tonight, that this woman is her ministry--this woman who is young and living the same life my friend has lived before. My dear one screamed and cried that the pain is too deep, that she isn't strong enough to love this woman who has been loving the same man. That she needs time to mourn. I cried with her, Lord. What lesson in this, Lord? How could You allow this man to proclaim You so he could violate someone else--someone who had been praying faithfully for a Godly man to love she and her daughter? Lord, how deep was your pain when you allowed us to betray you? How profound your anguish? Does my friend feel an inth of what it must've felt like to allow yourself to be beaten, mocked, misunderstood, scorned, rejected, wounded--killed...all for the sake of loving us?

Lord, my friend has been through more hardship than almost anyone I've met. So much loss, so much abandonment. I pray that you would restore what the locusts have eaten away in her life. I see that her destiny in You must be a bright, burning fire, because the enemy has tried so hard to destroy her. I ask Lord, that you would bind up the broken-hearted, as You promise in Your word. I ask that you would be the Balm that eases her pain. I ask that You would use her mightily in the life of this young woman who would look for hope in her relationship with this man who doesn't deserve her, or my friend. I ask that they both would find peace and comfort in You. I ask that they would both rise up, a shining light, and would not be extinguished by this onslaught of the enemy. I ask that You would be glorified and give beauty for ashes. All these things I ask in Your name.

Anxiety

There is a new challenge out there on the horizon and I am scared ----less! I mean, I know that sounds comical, but I mean it. Someone suggested to me that I might go further in life than I had planned. Just typing it scares me. But...I realize that what I have had in mind is something more manageable, which is what I've always done. I've never had faith to let go of that much control before. I still don't. BUT, I'm praying for it (that's new, and is progress). And the discipline needed to go with it. Because without one, the other doesn't go very far--at least that's been my experience for most of my life. So maybe there's something to that theory. On the other hand, nothing good comes out of me, that isn't of you, Lord. The rest is just filty rags...so maybe I'll crawl out onto that scary (what feels like very tenuous) limb and risk asking for something impossible one more time, and see where it lands. So far, you haven't let me down, although I'm constantly tormented to believe that you will, eventually, which is where all my fear comes from. Father, please deliver me from the tormentor--please, please, please.

Pressure

I am burdened this morning for my child and myself. She is so like I have been and still can be: strong-willed and defiant. She wears her feelings on her face and it's like looking in a mirror that reflects all the things I struggle with in my flesh. Some of the expressions I see there are common to most people, others uniquely my own shortcomings, and still others traits of her father. What I don't see very much of at all right now, is much evidence of her Father in heaven, most of the time. I'll have to give her this: she is not a performer, which can be of immeasurable value when she is older, but right now it drives me crazy. How do you teach a child to trust when performance-based acceptance wars against trust? It is so difficult to know what balance looks like in this area for myself, let alone my child. Paul says the law is a tutor. I believe this means that it prepares us to receive grace. I find myself returning again and again to this thought for my daughter: "Obey me first, then I'll think about it." How can you ever understand or appreciate God's grace without having first exhausted yourself trying to "be" righteous? Right now, I'd be glad if my daughter would just try to obey, even if it did wear her out! LOL If her heart were in the right place, even if she failed in obedience, I'd rush in and bless her again and again. But I can't reward her defiance because it would reinforce her polluted motives. So we are at an impasse.

Lord, you judge the heart. The motive. Please give me wisdom for my child. Teach me how to reach her motive. Lord, by definition "impasse" is a derivative of "impossible". As usual, I'm bringing you a situation that seems impossible to me. But nothing is too difficult for you, oh Lord. I ask that you would give me the tools to penetrate her understanding, but more than that Lord, I ask that You would penetrate her heart, changing her from the inside out. Give me grace to know when to speak and when to be silent with her. Teach me how to reinforce your principles with her, Lord. Give me grace not to be provoked by her, allowing her to experience the consequences of her choices. I call for angels to watch over her at all times, giving her wisdom about the influences she has all around her. Show her the truth, oh Lord, and teach her to embrace it. Also Lord, teach me to properly address those in my life who would have myself and my child conform to their legalistic ideals so they would feel more emotionally comfortable. Lord, give me grace to be who I am in the midst of folks who would have me and my child be something we're not destined to be in You.

Divine Restraint

To look around at the folks I know intimately is to see their attributes as well as their shortcomings. And often, to look at folks I don't know at all is to see only their acting-out behavior, as this world becomes more obviously selfish all the time. I wonder when it will come to a head...

On a rabbit trail for a moment: I have been shopping twice over the past week for Christmas gifts, and I am keenly aware of a sense of robotic compliance that we all seem to have in response to the American cultural pressure to shop. It's been rather surreal, watching folks move through their paces, seemingly unaware of others around them, looking in anxiety for that toy their child wants, or that perfect item for their spouse, etc. Living in a city that could modestly be called "large", it is interesting to see that with the exception of the Salvation Army bell-ringer, we are all moving through the stores with no regard for each other, only pushing ahead to get through the chore of making sure we've gotten something for everyone on our ever-growing, unaffordable list. You hear someone on their soapbox every Christmas these days, shouting out about the commercialism of Christmas and how it is eroding any chance of remembering the Christ. Rather than being a clanging gong about that, my thoughts center around the "God Calling" devotional for December 2. (I think the reason that devotional has endured through the years of time is because it so encourages us to depart from conventional thinking and see what's really happening in the Spirit--it is a centering tool for "resetting" your perspective about what is real--thanks to my dear demosthenes for being led to give it to me)

Okay back to the original impressions: as we look at ourselves and our fellow humanity, it is easy to fixate on the many ways in which we disappoint ourselves and each other. It is too easy to see that. December 2 in God calling talks about the capacity for God to fulfill our relational needs and more, rather than having lofty, unrealistic expectations of others, encouraging us above all else, to draw near to Him all the time. To make ourselves available for intimacy. It speaks to how we constantly judge other's behavior falling short of what they are capable of being in Christ. I won't go as far as Paul to say I'm the chiefest of sinners here--because I don't know. But I am certain I am, in the very least, running neck and neck with anyone else in my disappointments and criticisms of others, commiserating with friends about the flaws they see in others. God points out through this devotional that if we are disappointed in our fellow man about not being ideally what they were created to be, imagine his own disappointment and frustration in waiting for us to trust him enough to allow him to heal us so we evolve us into those very creatures, created for a display of His splendor. And yet, he also encourages us to judge Him, not the person, if they're not living up to their potential, since He's responsible for the outcome of their lives. Now, when I begin to evaluate what God is and isn't doing in someone else, it's difficult to go there because the immediate conclusion is, who am I to judge God? Imagine His Divine Restraint in gently ever-wooing us toward Him, going at our pace, selectively granting our prayers that are of limited scope, sometimes giving us what we ask for so we can learn from our poor motives, because we can't (or even refuse to) see it any other way? Or, immediately rushing in to answer prayers that are truly in His Name and His Spirit to prove Himself and reinforce the paths He wants us to take... And all along we fumble through, most of the time not getting it, because our selfish flesh is always clamoring for attention. The lure of instant gratification from the enemy is always vying for 1st place in our neediness. The Father is so patient. How can we possibly judge Him? They enemy would have us marching to the beat of his drum at all times, and our flesh makes it way too easy to go there. God acts in the opposite Spirit all the time, waiting patiently for us as the Gentleman He is. In our frustration we cry out and say, "Hurry up Lord, and fix me so I don't have to hurt any more," and then when he quickly grants our prayer and amputates our sin without any anesthetic...we whine and complain that it hurts too much, and fuss at Him for being mean and play the victim. Lord, I don't know how you love us all...we are so infantile most of the time. That we would ever actually please you is a testament to your miraculous power.

Lord, you are so faithful to be patient with me. Give me grace and mercy not to thwart your purposes, even though you would take me to places that are scary and so opposite the world, that I could be despised and not attractive to mankind. Lord, give me grace, that I would seek you first, and not fear man's view of me. Lord, give me a fuller measure of compassion, that I would walk in an attitude of forgiveness. Give me ears to hear Your voice and Your will, rather than the drone of the enemy's cadence that would keep me mindlessly marching to his agenda. Give me empowering to walk in your ways, Lord. Lord, is it possible for you to be gentle and quick at the same time? If so, I ask it and all these things in Your name.