Whipped Dog

Tonight a friend of mine had a meeting to pitch a product that his partner is developing. I was very curious to know how things turned out, so I called, thinking that if he was still in his meeting, he would have his phone off. Well, he didn't, and he picked up. When he saw it was me, he hung up without saying anything and I could hear the mtg. going on in the background. I thought his response was healthy and appropriate. But after I hung up, I was mortified that I had interrupted and felt so guilty for making the call in the first place. Later tonight, he called me and I was shocked. He apologized for hanging up on me. I was stunned. Very difficult for me to get my mind around the idea that I am actually valued by him enough to make the effort. I immediately had a revelation of how very difficult it is for me to feel safe that I am celebrated in this friendship, even though all arrows point toward it being true. I realized I have a whipped dog mentality in my mind, sidling up to the table, eyes averted, waiting to see if I'll be tossed a crumb--and that's the extent of my expectations. One of the terrible things about being morbidly obese, is a conditioning to disappointment, and a development of expectation that you will be tolerated, at best. It makes one shoot very low. How good I am at hiding those fears. I perform so well, compartmentalizing that insecurity, pushing it down, and focusing on being present in the conversation at hand. A learned skill cultivated from a lifetime of having to sidestep the warranted suspicion that I'm not wanted, not being taken seriously, or I'm being judged as I attempt to be a legitimate player in the game of life, etc. Having to make the choice to engage, despite the odds that I'll actually walk away having been considered a desirable voice in any scenario, instead of a laughing stock. Feeling the need to continually prove my worth in all situations, and feeling largely unsuccessful (no pun intended). The weight may be coming off, but a lot of invisible shackles still remain.

Lord, first of all I want to thank you that you are answering prayer, in providing more mature relationships in my experience. I praise you for your excellent greatness. I ask that you would heal me in the area of trust. Give me the ability to trust that I am lovable, Lord. It is so hard to to get my belief to line up with the truth that I actually have something of value to offer anyone else, even though logically, I know it's true. You have given me many gifts that are of you, Lord, and I know those things can be such a blessing to others. It is hell, to live in a dichotomy all the time in my mind, on the one hand knowing that I am powerful in You and have much to do in this life that affects the lives of others, and that you are facilitating things--and on the other hand, fighting the feeling all the time that I am nothing more than a nuisance. Lord, help me to operate from a healthier place. Please heal my damaged emotions and skewed self-concept. Please restore my soul.

Resurrection

I have been experiencing bankruptcy in most of my relationships lately. It's weird. I am beginning to see that God is allowing/promoting that...to create intimacy with him. Even in the opportunities I do have, things seem empty most of the time. I'm in the midst of one relationship right now that is intense and great, inasmuch that a lot of healing and morphing is going on. So, that is really incredible--but even in that, I sense that this is one of the only arenas where God is sanctioning any kind of growth activity. It appears that you are largely thwarting relational stimulus for me, Lord. On an objective level it is intriguing, and on an emotional level, devastating. I find myself quite lonely and sad at times. I suspect you are orchestrating that, as well, knowing my penchant for "mainlining" people connections if I can get away with it. So, as I sit here lonely and in pain Lord, what would you say to me? I sense that you are answering my prayers to be more intimate with you, but when you answer in a way that causes pain, even though I know it can be your way, I am never expecting it and not aware of what it's going to look and feel like, until it is upon me. On an objective level it blesses me that you care enough about me to allow me to see this, but what a hard place to find myself in. I have been riding the tide of my newfound life as a person who isn't morbidly obese anymore, and it's been beyond wonderful in so many ways. But as things begin to normalize, and the pendulum is swinging back more toward the middle, I still always come back to the same thing. I need intimacy with you, and nothing else is going to satisfy, and old issues resurface. I think that medicating with food has so many roots in my loneliness and my fear that you are not really going to show up and rescue me from my pain. Deep seated fears that stem from childhood wounds, damaged trust, and terrors. So now that I've been asking you to bring on your agenda, it seems you are allowing me to come up empty on the horizontal relational front so much of the time. It pains me that once deep relationships have become shallow, and it seems to be beyond my control to remedy that. Friends are moving on, and going in different directions. Once idyllic life with comrades has faded into memory. Your way of going about stuff with me makes sense. I ask you to give me more of yourself and the inevitable is that you would remove the satisfaction I find in others to make some room for yourself. And yet, as I am recently discovering afresh, nothing is wasted. You may allow my current relationships to become stale, but that doesn't mean you're finished with them and the role they play in my experience--and theirs for that matter. I'm realizing anew that you are in the resurrection business; that the connections we form over a lifetime are things that you not only instigate, but can redeem and build things out of them that we would never have anticipated. That just because a relationship doesn't work well or isn't healthy, doesn't mean that you aren't able to reconfigure it to suit your purposes. As I sit here waiting for the clock to move over into Easter Sunday, I am encouraged to remember that life after death is a repeated theme throughout everything that happens to us here in this realm, and not just reserved for the passing into the afterlife. You are able to bring life from death of relationship as well. So Lord, I ask that you would resurrect the relationships in my life that are dormant, stale, or just plain dead, in your timing, according to your business if it is agreeable with your will. I also ask that you would help me to be content with you. Risky prayer. Being content in waiting on you may mean a long wait. I've never been good at waiting. Lord, I know I can't control and manipulate you. So, give me grace to accept that, and to wait with knowledge that your ways are so much higher and better than my own intentional and unintentional fumbling. Quicken me to you, even more than I've experienced so far, and please prepare me for that. I must confess I'm a little afraid of what that may mean for me, so I ask that you would calm my fears, and where possible, please be gentle. I feel so fragile sometimes.

A Hope and A Future

Lots of mundane things going on as well as good things. As school moves along I am delighted as always to be learning. I'm learning a lot too, regarding myself, as usual. I have reverted back to some of the unresolved past issues...things like, not feeling attractive: the more weight I lose, the more wrinkled I get. I'm feeling old these days. It's frustrating--to finally have my life back and at the same time look older than my age and know that I sacrificed so much of myself on the altar of self-indulgence and avoidance. Yuck. To feel regret and know that I can't take it back, the lifestyle I recklessly chose for so long. It catches up with you, one way or the other. On the other hand, finding a place where I can live and move, and have my being, in the midst of such change...a challenge, an adventure, and a consternation at times. All the giddiness I felt initially at being attractive again has kind of taken a back seat to finding some semblance of balance, and looking for true connection in my relationships. When all is said and done I'm just another human being trying to find self-worth, sometimes in the wrong places, and sometimes in the right One. God has been generous to keep me stimulated by bringing new folks into my life who mentor and challenge, and also to revive relationships that have gone by the wayside over time. It's funny--I've prayed that he would bring me some new friends who would encourage my transparency and my authenticity, and he seems to be reviving relationships that I thought too far gone...and they are turning out to be much more than I could've asked or imagined. I'm thankful and surprised by that. Lots of focus on my relationship with my significant other. We are meandering our way through this transition, and sometimes its like running blind through a wood fraught with pitfalls. Sometimes I feel tangled up in the tree roots of relationship that feel so big and so intertwined that it seems they'll swallow me whole and never let me surface for air again. Other times things are so good that I am amazed and astounded by the goodness of God, that he can take a relationship that was borne in the sickness of my obesity and actually make something significant out of it. I mean lets face it, super morbidly obese people find commitment in folks who don't know what they want and most often are as emotionally unhealthy as they are. Truth is, we are all messy in our own way and that's why Jesus came: to heal our souls. We are all victims of victims, and we cultivate our relational dynamics in the midst of all that sickness until God shakes us to the point that we must deal with it...or die. Maybe I should say and die. Because dying is part of dealing with it, I suppose. Dying to having to have my way, dying to having... Dying to having. That's it. And it is tantamount to gaining abundant life. Dying to having. God, give me your mercy and grace to ride this death to its conclusion. Resurrection.