Back After All These Years: and Not Quite So Crazy...

Well, have I been through a lot since the last time I was here. So much time has passed that I had to do some detective work to find the site and do some mining for my login info so I could actually post something new...

Since the last time I was here I have divorced, graduated from nursing school, become a licensed RN and am a single parent...whew! From sitting on my behind for 2 years going to school, eating out of my car, not obeying the rules of my surgery, I've managed to put on 30 lbs. But all in all, with everything that's happened and all the stressors I've been under, it's still good. Can I say that loudly???? If there's anyone out there actually interested in reading this blog, I'll say it again: it's still good. Difficult, yes. Disappointing a lot of time, yes. But still in so many respects REALLY good.

Those of us who've had weight loss surgery are a unique crowd in some ways and in others we are not. We know what it means to medicate. We know what it means to lose our medicating crutch and replace it with other things. We know what our weight loss surgery counselor meant when they told us that if we had a good marriage to begin with before WLS it will remain good and improve, and if we had a bad marriage, it will become worse than it was after surgery. We know what it means to learn to cope with a new body but an old mentality...we know. A journey that still continues for me 4 years out.

Weight loss surgery does not a disciplined person make. To undertake nursing school, which was doable physically after weight loss, but questionable mentally, was no small feat. It's difficult for all folks who attempt it, but to make it through, considering that a year prior to beginning I was a shut down, morbidly obese, miserable, depressed couch potato who couldn't do dishes at the sink for more than 5 minutes without complete agony, it is by no coincidence that I made it through and am now in the trenches, loving on folks who are in the same shape I was in (be it because of age or lifestyle). It was/is divine without question.

As I write this, my male teacher friend whom I wrote about so often in the beginning, who was so instrumental in my transition and such an upstanding, committed family man and (if the truth be known) such a "stone cold fox"...is now contemplating divorce. I am nothing but sad for him. He actually condemned me so heavily when I decided to do it myself 2 years ago, and now he states, "I'm beginning to understand your perspective." This is probably the closest I'll get to an apology from this proud, intelligent and strong young man. What he doesn't understand nor is willing to consider at this time is, after all the blaming is over, then God begins to deal with you. Once we are through bashing the other person for all they didn't do right, God begins to show us ourselves through a very magnified personal lens...if we're willing. But you can't prepare someone else for that, nor can you convince a person who's given up and determined to end their marriage that it's coming...and maybe that's as it should be. Yes? Sometimes it is only in the aftermath that we learn our most valuable lessons. The ones that make us effective in this life.

Meanwhile, my child and I are thriving, we're growing ever closer, and she begs me and her dad with regularity to get back together with tears and gnashing of teeth. I have no attraction to him other than a platonic friendship. After God showed me how much I contributed to the demise of the marriage (my ex didn't do anything right either, but I had to eat a very big piece of humble pie...{and those of you who've had WLS know how completely unappealing it is to eat pie, much less a big portion...}repenting to him about my own contribution to the fallout...), it changed both of our attitudes toward each other. But I still contend with and worry about my sweet child who is a casualty of war and the most vulnerable part of my heart. Release and relief always have a price...

I have a respectable love in my life at this time. Someone who is my age, accomplished, very intelligent, and who is more than grateful to have me in his life: who wants to marry me. He is willing to develop a relationship with my child because he loves me: he's willing to make the effort to know and love her. A brave man. A man who is savvy enough to not attempt to take the place of her father. A man who doesn't take crap off of me without calling me on my stuff. I have to admire that. He is an incredible lover: something I haven't enjoyed until now in my adult life. A little caviat here: I had good sex with my ex for the first time a few months before we separated, but I discovered that better looks, more agility, and a higher sex drive doesn't restore a relationship if your partner isn't interested in cultivating that. Let me qualify this. Good sex: orgasms. Something that was missing when I was so big: both of our faults. But not a romantic, emotionally connected kind of sex. If you think becoming more attractive will stimulate things that have been missing in a relationship all along, be careful. If your significant other was negligent before you became thin, chances are, the things you were needing prior to WLS will not magically appear after. Sex might be mechanically better and you might be more satisfied in that area...but if you were emotionally unsatisfied to begin with, not likely that will change unless your partner is willing to be healed emotionally along with you. I was not so fortunate. I had to completely give up on the relationship to get some peace.

My best friend who also had WLS that gave such sage advise to me in the first several months? She now has leukemia. She is fighting for her life. After all the excitement of losing a 120+ lbs, she's gone from 320 to a manageable 200 lbs, to 120 and is eating to sustain life. Life is ironic and often not fair. She has been through bone marrow transplant and is thriving but has suffered a lot of brain damage from chemotherapy. She is much like a stroke victim. So, take care of yourselves, all who read this. Take your vitamins and do what you're supposed to do to make sure your body gets what it needs. Combined with her malabsorption issues (she had duodenal switch) and lack of appetite, she's struggling to keep her wt within normal limits from the other end of the scale and to survive for her own 10 year old daugher who has no father in the picture. So, those of you who read this and feel sorry for self b/c you can't overindulge any more, believe me, it could be much worse than you imagine. So count your blessings that your biggest frustration is not being able to eat what you used to. There are those who've gone through our process who don't even have a desire to eat, but must do it to survive. So in light of this struggle she's enduring, I would always encourage lap band over any other procedure that's out there at this time, and behind that gastric bypass: NOT duodenal switch. If your health becomes bad, malabsorption issues become the focus of survival. Not good. Anyone who argues with me about procedures, I say: "WHATEVER." Don't mess with me. My surgery, which was restrictive in nature, not malabsorptive type surgery: I say "choose lap band." Restrictive is hard enough. I have deficiencies now that are hard to control, even with the prescribed regimen. Malabsorptive is impossible if you get a detrimental illness. I'm not sure what my own journey will be like as I age and my body doesn't respond as well as it used to. I'm a nurse and I see what suffering goes on just when an electrolyte like potassium is slightly off for the elderly. Add on top of that the inability to get all your nutrition from eating...? Not good. Get lap band so you can tweak your capacity without rearranging your plumbing. My surgeon (Dr Spaw) who is a Believer and a premier surgeon would agree. You can always tighten up that surgery as needed or reverse if it's more harmful than good. The complete plumbing alteration of the others has varying consequences and for the DS, you will pay an enormously HIGH price if you have any other significant health problems. That's my story and I'm sticking to it and I will not argue about it. I've seen the extreme consequences of my gaunt, aged friend who is on disability now b/c her body is overwhelmed and she's trying to live despite the fact that her system will not absorb what she's taking in. So don't be fooled by immediate gratification. It's a deception.

I hope all who read about this journey will be blessed and gain some information that becomes insight over time. I will post as I'm led. Meanwhile, I desperately love my daughter, praying that she will grow up to be a viable adult and skip as many of the evils that are so readily accessible to the younger generations now. That she'll have a healthy sense of modesty and self-respect--b/c she hasn't had good modeling, and that's just the truth. I pray that despite the fragmenting of her family that she will know and understand that she is cherished by both me and my ex-husband and will understand she has a step dad who loves her very much, as well. Most of all, I pray that she knows and will grow in understanding how very much God loves her and is invested in her journey.

Meanwhile, Jesus and I continue our journey together. He is SO very good to me, and saves my pasty butt all the time :)

I Blow My Own Mind Sometimes

Okay, it's been a long time. Tonight I realized afresh that I have a long way to go. I found myself falling back into an old temptation that continues to catch me by surprise. Why is it that I forget lessons so soon? Sometimes I feel like middle-age is creeping into my ability to retain information on the emotional and psychological level as much as it affects my ability to (and I quote) "remember whether I am taking the milk out of the refrigerator, or putting it back in..." I am living through a bit of mortification one more time. I should know that when I start feeling all confident about my sexuality and attractiveness, I'm heading for trouble. That confidence and also the knowlege that someone finds me attractive, just makes for problems and they seem to go hand in hand. I begin to throw myself around on one level, and don't even realize it until I'm in over my head. And by over my head, I mean that I'm becoming less rational--in the sense of seeing things for what they really are. Losing a component of my reasoning. And then I do something to embarass myself and it's like cold water in my face. I wake up (thank God) and realize that I'm acting foolish and I need to calm down. I wish for balance: I wish that I could feel sexy and empowered without needing excessive validation. Is that possible? Lord, can you give me that? I am in touch with part of it tonight. I've spoken a lot on this blog about desiring to be free to be myself. When I find a relationship where it's okay to just relax and be myself--and the person actually desires my company...it affects me like a drug. I want more and more. Well, it would be nice if I could catch it before I embarass myself!!! Another component is that I like the drama. But thank you Lord, that my response time to recognize something for what it is, is becoming quicker and quicker. Fortunately, I haven't made too much of an ass of myself--yet. But to quote a friend of mine, "Trust me, I CAN. I've seen myself DO it!" On the other hand though, I am quite aware that this is a legitimate part of my personal journey. I need the opportunity to learn these lessons so I can grow up. I just pray that I am able to learn them well so I don't hurt myself or anyone else. Lord, please use me in the midst of my fumblings, and also use my fumblings to make me a better person--and as always, if at all possible, please be gentle and protect me.

Whipped Dog

Tonight a friend of mine had a meeting to pitch a product that his partner is developing. I was very curious to know how things turned out, so I called, thinking that if he was still in his meeting, he would have his phone off. Well, he didn't, and he picked up. When he saw it was me, he hung up without saying anything and I could hear the mtg. going on in the background. I thought his response was healthy and appropriate. But after I hung up, I was mortified that I had interrupted and felt so guilty for making the call in the first place. Later tonight, he called me and I was shocked. He apologized for hanging up on me. I was stunned. Very difficult for me to get my mind around the idea that I am actually valued by him enough to make the effort. I immediately had a revelation of how very difficult it is for me to feel safe that I am celebrated in this friendship, even though all arrows point toward it being true. I realized I have a whipped dog mentality in my mind, sidling up to the table, eyes averted, waiting to see if I'll be tossed a crumb--and that's the extent of my expectations. One of the terrible things about being morbidly obese, is a conditioning to disappointment, and a development of expectation that you will be tolerated, at best. It makes one shoot very low. How good I am at hiding those fears. I perform so well, compartmentalizing that insecurity, pushing it down, and focusing on being present in the conversation at hand. A learned skill cultivated from a lifetime of having to sidestep the warranted suspicion that I'm not wanted, not being taken seriously, or I'm being judged as I attempt to be a legitimate player in the game of life, etc. Having to make the choice to engage, despite the odds that I'll actually walk away having been considered a desirable voice in any scenario, instead of a laughing stock. Feeling the need to continually prove my worth in all situations, and feeling largely unsuccessful (no pun intended). The weight may be coming off, but a lot of invisible shackles still remain.

Lord, first of all I want to thank you that you are answering prayer, in providing more mature relationships in my experience. I praise you for your excellent greatness. I ask that you would heal me in the area of trust. Give me the ability to trust that I am lovable, Lord. It is so hard to to get my belief to line up with the truth that I actually have something of value to offer anyone else, even though logically, I know it's true. You have given me many gifts that are of you, Lord, and I know those things can be such a blessing to others. It is hell, to live in a dichotomy all the time in my mind, on the one hand knowing that I am powerful in You and have much to do in this life that affects the lives of others, and that you are facilitating things--and on the other hand, fighting the feeling all the time that I am nothing more than a nuisance. Lord, help me to operate from a healthier place. Please heal my damaged emotions and skewed self-concept. Please restore my soul.

Resurrection

I have been experiencing bankruptcy in most of my relationships lately. It's weird. I am beginning to see that God is allowing/promoting that...to create intimacy with him. Even in the opportunities I do have, things seem empty most of the time. I'm in the midst of one relationship right now that is intense and great, inasmuch that a lot of healing and morphing is going on. So, that is really incredible--but even in that, I sense that this is one of the only arenas where God is sanctioning any kind of growth activity. It appears that you are largely thwarting relational stimulus for me, Lord. On an objective level it is intriguing, and on an emotional level, devastating. I find myself quite lonely and sad at times. I suspect you are orchestrating that, as well, knowing my penchant for "mainlining" people connections if I can get away with it. So, as I sit here lonely and in pain Lord, what would you say to me? I sense that you are answering my prayers to be more intimate with you, but when you answer in a way that causes pain, even though I know it can be your way, I am never expecting it and not aware of what it's going to look and feel like, until it is upon me. On an objective level it blesses me that you care enough about me to allow me to see this, but what a hard place to find myself in. I have been riding the tide of my newfound life as a person who isn't morbidly obese anymore, and it's been beyond wonderful in so many ways. But as things begin to normalize, and the pendulum is swinging back more toward the middle, I still always come back to the same thing. I need intimacy with you, and nothing else is going to satisfy, and old issues resurface. I think that medicating with food has so many roots in my loneliness and my fear that you are not really going to show up and rescue me from my pain. Deep seated fears that stem from childhood wounds, damaged trust, and terrors. So now that I've been asking you to bring on your agenda, it seems you are allowing me to come up empty on the horizontal relational front so much of the time. It pains me that once deep relationships have become shallow, and it seems to be beyond my control to remedy that. Friends are moving on, and going in different directions. Once idyllic life with comrades has faded into memory. Your way of going about stuff with me makes sense. I ask you to give me more of yourself and the inevitable is that you would remove the satisfaction I find in others to make some room for yourself. And yet, as I am recently discovering afresh, nothing is wasted. You may allow my current relationships to become stale, but that doesn't mean you're finished with them and the role they play in my experience--and theirs for that matter. I'm realizing anew that you are in the resurrection business; that the connections we form over a lifetime are things that you not only instigate, but can redeem and build things out of them that we would never have anticipated. That just because a relationship doesn't work well or isn't healthy, doesn't mean that you aren't able to reconfigure it to suit your purposes. As I sit here waiting for the clock to move over into Easter Sunday, I am encouraged to remember that life after death is a repeated theme throughout everything that happens to us here in this realm, and not just reserved for the passing into the afterlife. You are able to bring life from death of relationship as well. So Lord, I ask that you would resurrect the relationships in my life that are dormant, stale, or just plain dead, in your timing, according to your business if it is agreeable with your will. I also ask that you would help me to be content with you. Risky prayer. Being content in waiting on you may mean a long wait. I've never been good at waiting. Lord, I know I can't control and manipulate you. So, give me grace to accept that, and to wait with knowledge that your ways are so much higher and better than my own intentional and unintentional fumbling. Quicken me to you, even more than I've experienced so far, and please prepare me for that. I must confess I'm a little afraid of what that may mean for me, so I ask that you would calm my fears, and where possible, please be gentle. I feel so fragile sometimes.

A Hope and A Future

Lots of mundane things going on as well as good things. As school moves along I am delighted as always to be learning. I'm learning a lot too, regarding myself, as usual. I have reverted back to some of the unresolved past issues...things like, not feeling attractive: the more weight I lose, the more wrinkled I get. I'm feeling old these days. It's frustrating--to finally have my life back and at the same time look older than my age and know that I sacrificed so much of myself on the altar of self-indulgence and avoidance. Yuck. To feel regret and know that I can't take it back, the lifestyle I recklessly chose for so long. It catches up with you, one way or the other. On the other hand, finding a place where I can live and move, and have my being, in the midst of such change...a challenge, an adventure, and a consternation at times. All the giddiness I felt initially at being attractive again has kind of taken a back seat to finding some semblance of balance, and looking for true connection in my relationships. When all is said and done I'm just another human being trying to find self-worth, sometimes in the wrong places, and sometimes in the right One. God has been generous to keep me stimulated by bringing new folks into my life who mentor and challenge, and also to revive relationships that have gone by the wayside over time. It's funny--I've prayed that he would bring me some new friends who would encourage my transparency and my authenticity, and he seems to be reviving relationships that I thought too far gone...and they are turning out to be much more than I could've asked or imagined. I'm thankful and surprised by that. Lots of focus on my relationship with my significant other. We are meandering our way through this transition, and sometimes its like running blind through a wood fraught with pitfalls. Sometimes I feel tangled up in the tree roots of relationship that feel so big and so intertwined that it seems they'll swallow me whole and never let me surface for air again. Other times things are so good that I am amazed and astounded by the goodness of God, that he can take a relationship that was borne in the sickness of my obesity and actually make something significant out of it. I mean lets face it, super morbidly obese people find commitment in folks who don't know what they want and most often are as emotionally unhealthy as they are. Truth is, we are all messy in our own way and that's why Jesus came: to heal our souls. We are all victims of victims, and we cultivate our relational dynamics in the midst of all that sickness until God shakes us to the point that we must deal with it...or die. Maybe I should say and die. Because dying is part of dealing with it, I suppose. Dying to having to have my way, dying to having... Dying to having. That's it. And it is tantamount to gaining abundant life. Dying to having. God, give me your mercy and grace to ride this death to its conclusion. Resurrection.